Day 4 - Fitzgerald's (Rte 100) - Whitbourne - St. Mary's (Rte 91-90)

a day of firsts: sunshine and a century


(war memorial in Rivershead)

daily stats
weather: sun! cloudy, sunny
total riding time: 6 hrs 41 mins 50 secs
avg speed: 16.2 (m) / 16.0 (b)
max speed: 50.5 (m) / 51.5 (b)
total distance: 108.55 kms

# of moose seen: 0
amount of $ won in the Atlantic lotto 649: 0

our first ray of sunshine came this morning (hence all the photos), after yet another wet night (which, by the way, means getting mauled by skeeters).
so we started off to a cloudy sky, but by the time we stopped for some groceries in Whitbourne, those clouds broke open. it was one of those heavenly or angelic "ahhhhhh" moments.
i don't know if it was the sun or the tailwind but we broke our first (ever!) century today...and with lbs of gear no less!
and so, instead of gravel pit camping (no campgrounds on the west side of the irish loop) we treated ourselves to a night indoors at the Claddagh Inn in St. Mary's, one of the prettiest towns on the loop.
not expecting all that sun, we both got a bit burnt...but the bed sure is comfy...and a hot, homestyle breakfast is included. i've never been so happy about eggs.

less words, more photos:


(an old bridge somewhere on Rte 90)


(the town of Rivershead; 15 kms from St. Mary's)


(sunset in the town of St. Mary's, from the porch of the inn)


(by the fish plant in St. Mary's)

Day 3 - Clarke's Beach - Fitzgerald's Park on the Cape Shore (Rte 100)

(along the Conception Bay highway)

daily stats
weather: rain, mist, fog
riding time: 4 hrs 42 mins 42 secs
avg speed: 16.3 (m) / 15.9 (b)
max speed: 47.5 (m) / 47.0 (j)
total distance: 74.81 kms

lost: 1 rubber ducky

after the obligatory photo with the highway sign, we ate pie in dildo. that couldn't be helped.

plus pie is extra delicious when you're climbing mountains all day, loaded down with 50 lbs of gear. but hey, i'm not complaining. the views are worth it. Route 60 winds up and down and around Conception Bay, mostly on the water.
in South Dildo bob says: "it's like the coast highway, without the California".

today we had to make a painful decision. we realized we probably weren't going to make it out to the Bonavista Peninsula and out past Clarenville to the abandoned community of Ireland's Eye...which is where bob really, really wanted to go.
even if we did make it out there, we wouldn't have the time to hang out for a few days to try and hire somebody to take us out to the island. and so we decided to head south. and after 3 days of going north, we could only do one of the southern loops.

we decided against the Cape Shore loop and the Cape St Mary's ecological reserve bird sanctuary and instead opted for the Irish Loop, but still had to take a detour down Route 100 on the Cape Shore loop to find a place to stay.
we ended up at the lovely and remote (like, horror movie remote) Fitzgerald's Pond Park.
aside from Sue and Dave (not Fitzgerald), the rugged ATV-ers who own the park, we were the only ones there.
camp deserato! it was nice.

Day 2 - Holyrood - Clarke's Beach

along the Conception Bay highway (aka Route 60)

(lunchspot)

daily stats
weather: cloudy, windy, misty, foggy, 13˚
Rummy 5000 scores: bob = 170, manny = 385 (boo-ya!)
total riding time: 3 hrs 16 mins 27 secs
avg speed: 14 (m) / 13.8 (b)
max speed: 47.5 (m) / 46.5 (b)
total distance: 45.33 kms

after coffee and homemade bread with bobby & helen in the morning, we set off the way we had come...5 kms uphill to end the night meant 5 kms of downhill!
a great way to start off the day... especially after realizing the craziness to come....that 45.33 kms didn't seem like such a short day at the time.

after pedaling a long (long) uphill, then down into beautiful Clarke's Beach, bob says:
"just think...if you had ditched me and decided to go with some other guy, you'd be on a cruise ship right now, drinking a mai tai"
we most definitely earned the homemade scone with partridgeberry ham and fresh scald cream that we devoured with our afternoon tea in Brigus (pron: brick-us)


(the family of ducks we shared our grassy campsite patch with)

Day 1...officially: St. John's - Holyrood

finding the start of the T'Railway and giant black slugs


(the mother of all slugs)

daily stats
weather: rain
found items: 1 rubber ducky (how appropriate...)
total riding time: 5 hrs 27 mins
avg speed: 11.6
max speed: 39.5
total kms: 63.26

after spending the first hour of our trip looking for the start of the T'Railway downtown St. John's, it didn't turn out to be what it was supposed to be.
it started off nice, and for a while we thought if we could take the trail all the way to Clarenville, we would never have to climb a hill (insert post-thought ridiculous laughter here).
from Mount Pearl onwards, it was like biking through a gravel pit.
bad news for our hybrid road tires.
so we hit up Route 60 into Conception Bay South.
and so the hills begin.
and so does the rain.
after stopping in Manuels to buy some Newfoundland wine to have with dinner, we stopped for a cup of coffee to think out our options and plan for the rest of the day.
we had made a great investment in rain gear before leaving home and so even though our clothes were dry, our things....soaked.
we went into Holyrood looking for somewhere to stay...nothing promising, so we decided to take a chance on a recommendation from the woman who sold us the wine in Manuels.
she told us about a new trailer park/campground that had just opened a few months prior, and so it wasn't on any map yet.
in the rain, we climbed a 5 km hill--straight up a mountain!--praying that the Blue Fin Trailer Park would be there.
Bobby and Helen welcomed us with open arms and true Newfoundland hospitality.
Bobby had seen us coming in, came out to greet us and immediately offered to let us stay in the new rec building that had just been plastered, to get us out of the rain.
he even apologized that the building wasn't finished!
two of the most wonderful people.
we even got to dry our wet things in a dryer and have a hot shower.
after eating spicy and warm indian food while sitting on buckets and drinking wine, we passed out on the cement floor...and we thought we'd need those thermarests for the rock. ha.

*note to self: send Bobby and Helen a thank you card.
*note to others: stay at Blue Fin.

Day 2 - the "get-yer-s**t-together" day

we woke up at the crack of noon and found ourselves in unfamiliar territory.
after a hectic airport day and early morning arrival, the cabbie had dropped us off, with our 2 bike boxes and all of our luggage, outside the house where we had rented a room for a couple of weeks. by the time we had woken up somebody in the house, we found our room and passed out on the mattress on the floor.
my eyes opened to pink walls, a pink dresser, and a filthy carpet.
and a twin mattress (i sleep with a guy who's 6 feet, just sayin...) on the floor.
it took me a few mins to realize where the hell i was.
oh yes, st john's. we made it to the land of beer and fish....and university student houses. nice.

at the outfitter's downtown, we stocked up on campingaz for the stove...and a couple of thermarests because, well, we would be sleeping on "the rock".
after getting our bikes together and all things packed for our early morning departure, we ventured out to find our first meal of fish n' chips and some local newfie beer.
apparently Ches' is the best in town.
and the local brewery is just outside of town in Quidi Vidi...although we were saving our brewery and tasting tour for when we got back from the trip, we did manage to guzzle an Eric's Red (which isn't a red beer at all...more to come on that) and a pint of 1892 at The Duke.

Day 1 - Lester B Pearson airport to St John's....maybe

to do list
1. write letter to Air Canada in two parts:
a) commending our check-in guy Bruno for allowing us to take our bikes on board for the original amount of $50 that was repeated to me over and over again on the phone when i booked our tickets in may, not the $157 they were going to charge us when we got to the airport.
b) complaining first about the dumb ass twit who did not properly convey baggage allowance and extra fees on the phone, even though i had her repeat the rules about 4 times and second, for booking a flight in advance but still being put on the standby list, with the risk of being denied boarding, because we chose not to pay the extra $20 to pre-select our seats.

~~

in a crappy airport bar, drowning our disbelief and frustration in too expensive beer, after the flight for which we had bought tickets 2 months prior, just took off with our luggage and our bikes, but without us:
"should i start composing my letter to Air Canada already?"

random quotes from bob as we try to amuse ourselves while having to wait 4 hrs until the next flight to st john's:

"i'm utterly surprised that security was the easiest part of that process, despite the fact that we're carrying a tent and a tripod"

"as much as i'd love to have bacon because i think bacon should be offered on everything in life...can you put bacon on the mouth of my beer?"

me: are you tired or something?
bob: why?
me: your eyes are all red.
bob: i'm allergic.
me: to what?
bob: canned air.

i should challenge this brilliant chick to a "things my boyfriend says" war.

~~
at 5 am, after flying executive class, in which bob and i both tried to drink the airline out of wine and beer (hey, they owe us at least that satisfaction), we finally made it to the island of newfoundland (guess what? it's foggy)...it must be happy hour already. somewhere.

trip stats

another bike tour.
our first being Manitoulin Island...this time we set our sights on the Avalon Peninsula of Newfoundland.

although our original rough idea (there were no plans here, only plane tickets) was part Avalon, part Bonavista Peninsula, it wasn't until we got there that we realized just how much work this hilly province really was going to be. we started out northwest, around Conception Bay, then headed south for a tour around The Irish Loop.
gruelling uphills that almost had me in tears, but with spectacular payoffs.

~
length of trip: 14 days
total biking days: 9 (+ 1 rest day)
total hours of biking time: 42 hrs 06 mins
max speed: 60 km/hr (somewhere between Bay Bulls & Witless Bay)
total days of sunshine: 1.5 (on bike trip) + 2 (post bike trip in St John's)
# of jars of p.b. consumed: 2
Rummy 5000 Nfld Ed. scores: Bob = 1230, Manny = 1140
# of salted cod that rode in the overhead compartment back home: 3
TOTAL DISTANCE: 618.77 kms

home for a rest

nfld trip daily log blog with photos and stories to come...

random shots from the poor pilgrim island show

dog days of summer

it all started with a trip to the farmer's market in withrow park.

then came eating juicy cherries by the remains of the 1967 sculpture symposium in high park.

a picnic at christie pits with fresh summer peas from the morning market (see photo), tetra pak wine and a toronto maple leafs vs the allstars baseball game.

followed by the search for real gelato at corso italia ending up with espresso and beer and garlic pesto shrimp skewers with random Italians and a Portuguese while listening to Dr Draw (for way cheaper--read: free--than his upcoming $70 massey hall show)

a roller derby match (D-Vas vs Death Track Dolls)

finished with a delicious sangria margarita at the willow.

days you don't want to end.

my favourite summer in the city days.

saturday was one of those days.

~

In reality (kinda): july 3 - aug 11

Food for thought: Alligator by Lisa Moore

the ultimate test of faith

sometimes i just want to trade in all my thoughts and dreams and live a shallow and meaningless existence.
just to take a break.
because sometimes my brain hurts from thinking too much.
is this the ultimate test?

~
Food for thought: I Am Legend by Richard Matheson (haven't seen the movie and after reading the book, not sure i want to)

the moon, the stars...whatever...something's not in alignment

so a series of unfortunate events in the week have led me to believe that there are forces beyond my control...my, my, how my beliefs change with the passing tides...
i'm thinking i may read more about simone de beauvoir because however briefly we touched on her in existentialism class, from what i understand, she proposed the idea that our patterns of thinking were purely situational. how we act and make decisions and what we believe in should be on a case by case basis. i can completely relate to that. i mean, look at me...today...thinking that there is some external force affecting or causing the recent suicides (one, a client of the mental health team i work for and two, a resident--not our client--of a nearby boarding house that we frequent to see other clients).
i also have to wonder whether her being one of the only female existentialist thinkers, or writers, that the situation-based thinking is heavily influenced by gender. this is what is wanting me to read more.
after a recent fight of epic proportions for a couple who never fight, i got to thinking...sometimes i think girls are crazy...myself included. and it's much easier to blame the insanity on gender, but playing into the whole gender role thing makes me queasy since it's society that has created the gender roles anyway...so blaming it on an external force is a much easier way to quell the guilt, i guess. but i joke. kinda.
this situation is so unusual that i don't even know how we're to recover.

~
Music to my ears: the humming of a work computer and the buzzing of an extra large fly.
Food for thought: Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho

check this

come check out our table on saturday at Big on Bloor.

JJM - a trio of old roommates making art.
Tables G-06 & G-07 (between Westmoreland & Dovercourt)

for a taste of what to expect, follow the links below:

1st J
2nd J

life is full of contradictions

is it Camus who actually committed philosophical suicide by committing us to absurdity?
Or was it Kierkegaard because he gave up his questions to be answered by God?
According to Camus, the theistic thinkers gave up rationality and looked for hope instead. Hope in transcendence.
Staying in the absurdity and finding meaning in the situation is what brings joy. For Camus, joy is the transcendence. But doesn't that mean that he himself has committed philosophical suicide by choosing something?

~
Addicted to: LOST season 4

we are not living our own existence

some random quotes from my existentialist prof:

- you can't seduce a lady with bus stop language

- once we talk about creation we commit ourselves to a creator therefore we didn't create ourselves

- biologists are theologians in disguise because they can't describe existence

- why do we still live by these old morals (slave morality)? this is why war happened in Europe...things weren't working...this is happening now again--war, corporate culture--we are not living our own existence.

~
Music to my ears: Thom Yorke

the curse of the uni-tasker

Mark Twain has a quote that goes something like "we have 2 ears and 1 mouth so we should do double the listening"

focusing on one task at a time makes a good listener.
a really good listener is doing only one thing: paying attention. listening.
but society values the multi-tasker.
there are no awards for the good listener as there are for the person who can do it all at once.

~
Music to my ears: Mono

the story of "sc"

"sc" in the middle of a word is a good indication that the word means:

progress, becoming, in the process of being formed, not yet complete, coming into being, developing

try it:
nascent
adolescence
transcendence
luminescent
incandescent

gluttony

notes from an existentialism class: I

existentialism.
existent.
exist.
ist=latin verb=to be.
that which is. that which stands. to stand.
existence=to stand out.
how we exist in the world.
we can choose the actions that shape ourselves.
a human ability.
even if animals could ask these kinds of questions, would we understand?
existentialist thinkers tried to show others to accept they are free.
to free people from illusion.
missionary work.
(this is what got socrates in trouble. when people try to free other people, this is what happens)
the object of mood is mood itself.
when i'm seeing, can i see myself seeing?
what does it feel like to feel?
this is what it means to be conscious.
what it really means to exist.
for you. for me. for self.
to find a truth that is true to me.
to understand myself. find what is true for me. the idea of what i am.
(what good is it to construct meanings if it has no deeper significance for my life?)
reality is subjective.
==
despair vs doubt.
all of us experience despair. nobody can say they never had the chance to feel this feeling.
nobody is exempt from despair.
therefore it is a choice. you can choose it.
doubt is a quality of the intellect. an intellectual advantage.
some never have the chance to learn doubt.
everyone has the ability to choose. not choosing despair doesn't mean you're not feeling despair.
my failure to choose it means i'm living in a shallow state of consciosness.
choice = awareness of conscience.

~
Music to my ears - Queens of the Stone Age - Lullabies to Paralyze
Food for thought - Basic Writings of Existentialism - Gord Marino
In reality - R.I.P Paul Croutch

weird dreams and dark shoegaze

why do i get this feeling that there is something you're not telling me?
why do i have thoughts in my head that are so creative and compelling and yet my fingers can't seem to get them out right?
the story i've created about your little secret involves forbidden intimacy between friends, perhaps being found out by another friend, a mental breakdown, a break between two former lovers, an ultimatum between two friends which involves not wanting to hurt me, and so the band breaks?
for now a truce has been made, but how long can you survive this little game?
how long can your devastating secret lie dormant?
two people want to tell me and you won't let them.
you're more powerful than i thought.

~
Music to my ears: Nadja

holden was my hero

moving means purging. especially moving to a place half the size of the previous, with double the books. it's time for my duplicate copy of The Catcher in the Rye to move on.
before it goes, a collection of underlined passages and dog-eared pages...

p. 87 - I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
p. 92 - The thing is, most of the time when you're coming pretty close to doing it with a girl--a girl that isn't a prostitute or anything, I mean--she keeps telling you to stop. The trouble with me is, I stop. Most guys don't. I can't help it. You never know whether they really want you to stop, or whether they're just scared as hell, or whether they're just telling you to stop so that if you do go through with it, the blame'll be on you, not them. Anyway, I keep stopping.
p.110 - (can't remember why i ever dog-eared this page, here's a guess) All the two of them were eating for breakfast was toast and coffee. That depressed me. I hate it if I'm eating bacon and eggs or something and somebody else is only eating toast and coffee.
p. 121 - Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you.
p. 123 - (a funny page about how boring most guys are)
p. 125 - (can't remember why this page was dog-eared)
p. 130-131 - (these 2 pages always made me sad because here was Holden saying that he hated things that most people are into and was only sticking around because of this girl and clearly she doesn't give a shit, and he realizes that she's just one of those people he hates) "Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddamn horse. A horse is at least oldhuman, for God's sake. A horse you can at least--"
"I don't know what you're even talking about," old Sally said.
p. 139 - The part that got me was, there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddamn picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a goddamn wolf. You take somebody that cries their goddamn eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding.
p. 141 - (not sure whether I dog-eared this page because of the reference to The Great Gatsby or because of Holden saying he's glad the atomic bomb was invented)
p. 148-149 - (i think i just liked this whole conversation between Holden and Luce. it always seemed that whoever he actually did reach out to, didn't give a shit) "I can never get really sexy--I mean really sexy--with a girl I don't like a lot. I mean I have to like her a lot. If I don't, I sort of lose my goddamn desire for her and all. Boy, it really screws up my sex life something awful. My sex life stinks."
p. 158 - (?? maybe Holden sneaking around drunk made me laugh?)
p. 172-173 - (i love how he speaks of his little sister Phoebe. i think siblings, little sisters in particular, are the best at listening because family always knows who you really are)"...People never think anything is anything really. I'm getting goddam [sic] sick of it."
If somebody at least listens, it's not too bad.
p. 183 - (i think this dog-ear had to do with Holden saying how much more interesting it was when someone digressed as opposed to always sticking to the point)
p. 185 - "...I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice...I mean, he'd keep telling you to unify and simplify all the time. Some things you just can't do that to. I mean you can't hardly ever simplify and unify something just because somebody wants you to..."
p. 188-189 - (again, no idea what i was thinking of at the time)
p. 196 - The thing is, if you get very depressed about something, it's hard as hell to swallow.
p. 197-199 - (i liked this part because Holden's having a great time with Phoebe and then has an anxiety attack when he realizes there's no stopping the evil in the world)
p. 201 - (i think i loved that Holden gets seriously pissed at whoever wrote fuck you on the wall of his sister's school. i think i loved that he gets so passionate about how kids might see it and then get twisted ideas of what it means. it was touching.)
p. 204 - I was the only one left in the tomb then. I sort of liked it, in a way. It was so nice and peaceful. Then, all of a sudden, you'd never guess what I saw on the wall. Another "Fuck you." It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of the wall, under the stones. That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
p. 207 & p. 211 - (not sure why I dog-eared these pages...maybe the touching brother-sister conversation?)
p. 213 - I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know?
p. 214 - (last lines) Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

I read that book four times. four times. and each time i was looking for something, anything. once for something that related to my troubled and over thinking teen years (just like Holden my hero)...maybe once in the search for a god...around the time i took a foray into the born again christian world...the search for bits of genius in '90s punk music, where every Pennywise lyric was written for me and my friends.
the search for inspiration in J.D. Salinger. being able to find meaning in his simplicity.
Holden Caulfield. i felt his pain. his indifference. his constant questioning.
the 4th and final time i read that book i knew our love affair was finally over.

can't talk...unpacking.

...

~
Music to my ears: Modest Mouse

a long day post-concert

saul williams is my hero.
one of the best shows i've seen in a long time.
so glad i didn't miss it, despite having an 8am exam today, followed by a seminar in the west end of the city, back to tutor in the east end, then up north to a dentist appt...i have bike bum and i'm tired as hell...
but at least i got to see saul williams in full concept mode glory.

~
Music to my ears: CX Kidtronik - Krak Attack

music and the mood of a society

this conversation has come up again. first with jon. then with john.
does the music of this decade reflect society's mood or does the mood of the society affect the kind of music being made?
this thought came to mind as i've been working more with addictions and mental health and have noticed the recent (last few years) trend back to cocaine...(and especially crack! maybe because people are poorer? that's a different rant altogether...)
cocaine is a stimulant and usually people self-medicate accordingly...if a whole society has been depressed as of late, why not increase your dopamine response? makes logical sense.
of course, i've also been reading recent literature stating that alcohol is the new weed.
which would make sense with the cocaine spike because alcohol is a depressant.
so whether society is just depressed as a result of the state of the world or whether depression is a result of the increase in alcohol use, music is being affected.
in the last decade the music has been full of depressing emo-type tunes.
or crappy disco pop music (all the "the" bands...c'mon, let's be real. it IS disco). this is the '80s revisited. shitty disco with blow. it all makes sense.
what happened to the acid? the weed? the psychadelics that spawned a generation of guitar riffs and experimental instrumental bands. (don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of awesome instrumental bands out there! but rock, punk, anything remotely revolutionary just isn't in the mainstream. and where is all the good, politically-driven, intelligent rap/hip hop?).
john says the recent meth bust with the hell's angels in BC (he's from victoria) had an impact with the decline of meth and meth-related drugs (ie: K), therefore increasing the use of cocaine. that it's all about drugs and the economy. and this in turn affects the music. we are a culture run by drugs and money. money and drugs.
jon says it's like the chicken or the egg debate. maybe the music is influencing the mood? after all, the music that is popular right now has been emerging for the last decade or so. maybe all this shitty music has made society depressed?
i'm hoping that there's a musical revolution coming soon.
(maybe spawned by the impending collapse of the economy? once again, another rant, another time.)
the societal revolution this time is environmental. finally.
it took this long for "green" to be the new in thing.
it's about time the mainstream took hold of the environment as an issue to capitalize on.
maybe this will bring about a change in music. and mood. or mood. and music.

~
Food for thought: What is the What - Dave Eggers
In reality: have gender roles become so ingrained in us that they've become part of the evolutionary process? does this mean as they're trying to be broken down, it'll take another 100 years before new gender roles are ingrained into the evolutionary process?

will the true disassociator please stand up?

i've decided to diagnose my best friend with narcissistic personality disorder.
she's always told me that she's got such a high self-esteem, such a heightened self-confidence.
so much so that i used to be jealous of that ability to regard oneself so highly.
often wished it upon myself.
but then we moved in together and certain behaviours got me thinking.
and lately she just won't talk to me, and i was blaming myself, thinking i had done something wrong (clearly i'm at the other end of the narcissistic pole).
but then i realized the differences between self-esteem and egotism.
the difference is that with NPD you're prone to aggressive outbursts, especially when things don't go your way.
the difference is the complete and utter lack of empathy.
the difference is the arrogance, which although was visible pre-living together, i was not able to see just how much admiration was necessary...or required.
i love her to death, but maybe i can stop blaming myself for something that i have no idea if i've done.

~
Music to my ears: Atmosphere - Overcast!

a conversation in cantonese

yesterday at the hospital, the wife of my client and myself had a long conversation in cantonese.
i don't speak cantonese.
~
Music to my ears: Fugazi - End Hits
Words to live by: "I learn what I believe as I hear myself speak" - Bill Murray

#20 burns in my mouth and my fingers smell like garlic

i missed out on homemade blueberry pie yesterday. damn detox.
i'm surprised at my willpower.
while everyone ate moroccan chicken and spiral honey ham, i ate salad and asparagus.
that's fine since i don't eat chicken or ham anyway.
a bottle of white wine was cracked and i smiled because i prefer red.
while everyone ate freshly baked cinnamon buns, my mouth watered and i looked away.
the blueberry pie, with its flaky crust, oh man, that flaky crust looked good...jon offered to eat some and then breathe on me. i laughed and declined.
but the coffee. oh the coffee. sitting in a house full of true coffee drinkers, a tear came to my eye.
but at least i fit into my jeans.
seems the self-restraint comes easier when there's a valid reason.
i should pretend i'm in detox all the time.

~
Music to my ears: Pointer Sisters - Jump (for my love) (don't laugh. i'm in a shared office and a crappy radio station is on)
Food for thought: still reading Milan Kundera, who is slowly becoming my new favourite author. right up there with Paul Auster.

detox day 2

i'm not hungry.
this is quite the miracle since all i have been eating for 2 days is fish, nuts, oils, brown rice (and related brown rice paper-like tasting stuff), fruits and vegetables...and these homeopathic UNDA drops taken sublingually that temporarily numb my mouth, like that first bite into a clorets eliminator gum.
so...not unlike my usual diet i guess, except for the eggs and yogurt and soy and wheat....and gum. (holy hell i have just realized the extent of my gum addiction).
and alcohol....and the coffee. oh the coffee.
oh man what i wouldn't give for one cup of java right now. even just a little, wee espresso. just to get that wonderful coffee bean taste on my tongue.
even a Timmy's coffee would do--it is roll up the rim time.
i'd give up the sauce for the rest of my life, even my precious vino, to be left with my caffeine fix.
this tea just isn't cuttin it.

~
Food for thought: Identity by Milan Kundera

In reality: When I'm walking down the street with headphones on, listening to my ipod which is sitting in my pocket and my cell phone starts ringing, this buzzing creeps me out.

a hicks-ian easter

I was over in Australia during easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit, left chocolate eggs in the night.

Now, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race, anybody? Anybody got any clues out there?

Where do you get this shit from you know? Why those two things you know? Why not ‘Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer’ you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog wild you know. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on it's back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it.

'Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!'.

'That's the story of Jesus'.

Who comes up with this shit?! I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the words ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in that fucking book.
==

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side
==

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to look at a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
==

(Bill Hicks is my hero)

a few random thoughts...

today, a man told me i was beautiful.
and then he proposed to me.
he has a traumatic brain injury, but still.
it was quite nice.
===
if i had to pick one thing i liked about children, it would be their complete naivete.
so oblivious, they'll talk to anybody.
she laughed and smiled and tried to understand the drunk man on the street car.
probably had no idea he was a man without a home.
didn't notice his smell.
probably didn't even care, even though her mother was chiding her. it was a different language than mine, but i knew what that mother was saying.
and she didn't even flinch. just kept on smiling. and listening.
and maybe making his day.
i think sometimes, we adults, should try to remember what that was like.
and incorporate a little child into our everyday interactions.
how would that fit into societal norms?
would we be deemed crazy? unfit? unwell?
mentally ill?

~
Music to my ears: Mark Lanegan's Whiskey for the Holy Ghost
Food for thought: Identity by Milan Kundera

the psychology of addiction: methadone vs suboxone

turns out, methadone isn't the greatest substitute for heroin as we once thought.
although it doesn't produce the euphoric effects of heroin, it produces the same physiological effects, hence the addictive nature of it...
obviously, this doesn't help with dependence...substitute one addictive drug for another.
suboxone is the new methadone.
well, new to Canadians (Europe has been using it for quite some time now...big surprise there...not only do we have a slower drug approval, we have less of a market for drugs...it always comes down to marketing)
suboxone has limited abuse potential because it blocks the euphoric effects of heroin.
you can't git it to someone who is high because the withdrawal effects could be deadly, but it would be useful in managing addictions.
if someone were to relapse and take a hit of heroin, it wouldn't work. they wouldn't get high.

~
Words to live by: "I realized that, unlike brains, ability, or newfound wealth, beauty is the one thing that transcends class. It felt like a profound revelation at the time, but in retrospect I had known it all along, atleast since I was old enough to read. After all, the Prince married Cinderella. He wasn't scouring the local villages for the wittiest gal, or the one who could play the meanest lute solo, or even the one of most noble birth. Snow White was well-born, yes, but I somehow doubt she would have fared so well with Prince Charming if she had been aptly named Porridge Gray or Eczema Red. And I suspect that somewhere out there in fairy-tale land, Sleeping Smarty-Pants is somnolently and vainly waiting for the tender kiss of a king's son." ~Elyse Friedman, author, Waking Beauty

today in psychology...

single, divorced or co-habitating women are more likely to use and abuse alcohol and/or drugs than married woman.
why? perhaps those women not fitting into societal norms of what women are supposed to be doing are highly stigmatized...which then leads to an increased likelihood of drinking or using drugs.
==
research has shown that women prefer counselors with better interpersonal skills and who are more empathic vs men who prefer a more problem-solving oriented style.
they say it's mostly because one of the major triggers for use is relationships or loss therefore one would assume there is a need for an increase in social support.
but just for women?

i would venture a guess to say that this research may already be outdated.
i think societal roles for men have changed somewhat and are not as strict with the machismo/bravado factor (of course, this still varies with cultures)...i think there is more of a balance in womens' and mens' needs with regards to empathy and support for loss

~
Music to my ears: Gutter Twins - Saturnalia

a new vision and orange tic tacs

i've decided that i love PMH.
although i love community health and mental health nursing, i've been leaning towards doing my first couple of years at the bedside (with some volunteer street health nursing clinics, of course)
but yeah...i've been thinking about neurosciences...and oncology did cross my mind.
i think it's been confirmed.
the nurses on 14A gave me a renewed faith in hospital based nurses.
i'm in.
~
Words to live by: "In the depths of winter I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” -Albert Camus

insufferably narcissistic

slow.news.day @ the kathedral

~
Current food for thought: Waking Beauty by Elyse Friedman
(a few years back...maybe like 7 years...i stumbled across a book by elyse friedman called Then Again and thought it was one of the smartest and funniest books i'd read in a long while...and i love finding great local authors...so i waited and waited for more, searching for her books, and nothing. then jon comes home the other night with this book--i'd obviously missed its release--and it's so absurdly funny in a social ideology darkness kinda way).

dark chocolate covered goju berries

at what point does avoidance cease to be a positive coping strategy?
with ptsd, one of the biggest symptoms is avoidance...for some, dissociating.
at the same time, it's also a coping strategy...if something is "triggering", avoid it. step away from the situation and move to a safe place, a place that will keep you grounded...keep you from having a flashback.
but when is avoidance no longer conducive to moving forward into recovery? at what point is avoidance used to not get any work done towards managing the illness?
because learning to manage and control a mental illness is hard work.
just a thought.

~
Music to my ears: Chris Clark
Words to live by: I used to think the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body and then I realized, "What is telling me that?" -Emo Phillips

dreams of candy and springtime

confetti
sulmona, l'aquila (AQ), italy

~
Music to my ears: Clint Mansell - soundtrack to The Fountain

enough snow for 321 snowmen

a random sampling of photos from my back door.

~
In reality: yes, yes, let's all listen to the UN and stop our harm reduction programs because of an INCB convention from 1988. nice work.
(the good thing about Smitherman is he recognizes that our city is grossly underserviced for care and treatment in mental health and addictions)

my vicarious return to the motherland

clearly vicarious is my word for this week.
plus i'm hungry for anchovy pizza.
these delicious pies were from a wonderful little restaurant in trastevere (rome)

~
Music to my ears: Beauty Pill
Words to live by: the leash is loose enough to feel like autonomy ~ Beauty Pill

In reality: it won't stop!
(pics to come tomorrow, after my foray out into the great canadian snowstorm this evening)

only the promise to try

i wish i had seen this sooner. that's what happens when you don't post regularly.
so from here on in, i vow to try to post daily (i'm not making any promises or anything).
but i hope whomever it was that was actually reading wasn't scared off by my lack of posts during this past year.
it's a whole different motivation when suddenly the thought of somebody else looking at this is in my head. it won't change what i have to say or how i say it, but it definitely makes me want to keep refreshing the site.

~
Music to my ears: slow.news.day

In reality: hell in a handbasket

vicarious trauma

this girl is one year younger than me and yet she seems 10.
yet sitting and listening to her, i shudder.
we share the same issues. the same financial stressors, the same relationship with food (bingeing and sneaking sweets or extra helpings...from who? don't know).
but i am on this side of the bed. in the chair. as if i'm the expert.
this is not to say i am more mature, or older in personality.
but, unlike her, i have no attachment issues.
there are stages in life which, at times, i struggled with. between these stages are periods of turmoil. (i am starting to see more and more why this theory appealed to me).
and i see how splitting from the parental units (for those of us blessed to have some) and becoming independent means having to create a sense of self. your own identity. it's confusing. i still struggle with the identity bit (i don't want to, but i do. maybe it's different when i'm aware of it?)
but breaking free can be stressful. especially when you're expected to live up to a social norm. or the norms are so embedded in your head that you truly believe there is no other way. when you don't fit into the mold, the ideology, you feel like a failure.

i've been there. i am there. still. sometimes.
what separates me from her? or her. or her...or her.
the fact that i don't think ending my life will solve it all. make it all go away.
i do cry sometimes when things don't work out, but i'm trying harder to laugh instead.
and although jon questioned me, and perhaps got frightened that i'm just going through every day coping with these stressors, i'm not. some days are worse than others.

and the fact that i know it. i know that i'm being pulled by society's strings. and i try hard to overcome that. and i have the most wonderful sounding board....who also likes to share after work pints of guinness and shots of jameson's.

~
Music to my ears: panda bear
Current food for thought: What is the What by Dave Eggers

In reality: No food for you
yeah, that's it...let's deal with our obesity problems by instead giving individuals mental health and affective disorders (ie: depression), because really, who cares about peoples' insides if they look good on the outside?

conversations with jon #543

conversations over a pint of guinness and a shot of jameson's...

me: "i see myself in them. it's scary. we're all like that a bit. we've all dealt with these issues. i think it just comes down to coping mechanisms. some of us find ways to cope and others don't"

j: "i hope you mean sometimes. that only sometimes you feel like you have to cope"

me: "i don't know. i mean we're dealt shit every day and some of us let it roll off like water off a duck's back, some of us stress out more but have coping strategies in place, and some people can't handle it and have a breakdown."

j: "if you're telling me that every day is just comprised of ways that you're coping with feeling shitty, then what am i doing here?"

a month too late

i'm always thinking about what the media is feeding our kids today and if we're breeding a stupid generation. the torontoist makes a good point.
we don't give the kids enough credit.
how could i ever believe that youth are as stupid as the media thinks they are?
it suddenly made me feel like a bitter old hag.

one nation under god?

while watching jesus camp, jon says: "do you think george bush actually believes in god?"
we agreed on no.
but he is building quite the army of christian fundamentalists, isn't he?
none of whom are ranked in the upper class (indoctrinate the poor).
all of whom think that george w is one great christian.
all part of the master plan to merge church and state.
build the army, starting with young soldiers.
and we're back on the discussion of good intentions and the ideology behind missionary work.
these people think they're preaching the word of the lord, the right word.
it is their mission to help people believe in what is right.
they want nothing less for our children.
it is true: the path to hell is indeed paved with good intentions.

~
the gospel according to narnia

conversations in a hospital #1

(first character to be read in the voice of Bruce the performance artist from Family Guy)

- so you can see what's going on with me (in the hospital~m.), tell me what's going on with you
- i listened to the opera today
- oh how nice. which one?
- la boheme. when pavarotti was in his prime.
~~
- and television, well, there was never really anything on it anyways.
- only for the news...and i watched the canadian skating championships today
- oh that'd be nice
- it's getting quite exciting because of the upcoming olympics. Jeff Buttle lost it to a newcomer Chan. he's only 17
- heavens!
- it was nice but Chan didn't impress me much
- ohhh. did it lack lustre?
- it was a stunning performance. very clean. it just lacked stillness.
- my lord. what happened to Buttle?
- i was more impressed by his performance actually, but he made very two important technical errors.
- oh darn.

managing online identities

this is why i hate sites like facebook. as if we're not fucked up enough trying to manage our real selves.

maybe it's just the interweb i hate. it's like a choose your own adventure book.
i hated those books when i was a kid.
i always felt like i'd miss a piece of the story, so i used to keep my fingers placed at every possible choice so i could always go back and make sure i never missed an option. then i would read the book from cover to cover in a linear fashion and put the story pieces together in my head.
it used to drive me nuts!
i feel like that's the way most websites are. thank goodness firefox has tabs. usually after a foray into the world wide web i have like 20 freakin tabs open for all the possible links elsewhere.
it's gotten kind of crazy.
here's wishing for a simpler online life.

~
Music to my ears: futuristic '70s synth soundtrack while watching Logan's Run

crazy going slowly am i, 123456, switch

sometimes i feel like i have so much in my head that i can't organize my thoughts. it's no wonder i have a problem articulating them.
this year is like peeling off an old layer of skin, but in one gigantic piece, like a really good sunburn.
i feel like i've been completely fucked up for the last little while. i thought, and sometimes still think, that i've been going crazy. but what really is crazy?
a lot of time crazy is mistaken for retarded. it's a common mistake. i think.
i'm a little disjointed. like arms and legs moving at different times, but mostly my brain synapses being delayed at the source or something. i'm not even making sense.
being coherent has never been one of my strong points. as long as i know what i'm thinking in my head. which scares me at the same time.

ps - there will be blood is a wicked ass movie. daniel-day lewis has always been a favourite of mine and now i'm thinking he's a veritable god among men. that and p.t. anderson is somewhat of a genius...capitalism and salvation...it's always about salvation.