money woes

i'm excited.
i'm leaving for a week long bike/camping trip around manitoulin island.
(so in case anyone actually reads this, i'll be on hiatus beginning july 1st)

so i'm excited about that and i'm ecstatic about moving into our new place.
3 of us.
at 30 yrs old (on avg.) we're going backwards in life.
forget the house in suburbia, the suv, the 1.5 kids and a dog.
we're jack, chrissy & janet. i think we may even have a mr & mrs roper.
now all we need is a larry.

all this excitement leads to being more broke than i've been in a while.
i mean, quitting a full time job to go back to university pretty much broke me, but this hurts.
but i don't feel nearly as stressed as i would have felt about it, say, 2 years ago.
it's bizarre but refreshing.
stress is the number one cause of CVD. and CVD (leading to heart attack/stroke) is the number one killer in north america, you know.
and i've honestly been trying to live a somewhat stress-free life in the last little while.
it came with the "big change".
don't get me wrong, school got a little stressful there, especially during exams.

but honestly, i have really been trying to mellow out in the last few years.
not let trivial things bother me. not let the things that aren't that important to my well being be a let-down.
and i think it's working.

Music to my ears: Adorable ~ Against Perfection
Food for thought: Strange Heaven by Lynn Coady

everybody has the list

you know, i've done some great things with my life.
maybe i'm feeling overly optimistic today, but i'm pretty happy at what i've accomplished and what i've seen in my 29 years.
there's still so much i want to do--travel more, as would most--but i can't really complain.

things i've done:
-ran a marathon...in portugal
-got my black belt in shotokan karate
-jumped out of an airplane
-learned how to skate a mini ramp at 25 yrs of age
-a 4 ft high double teeter totter on my mtn bike (busted up my face pretty bad, but lived to tell about it)
-a whole heck of a lot of acid, and survived
-snowboarded in 4 provinces
-graduated college for photojournalism
-travelled most of canada, 1/2 of the usa, ireland, portugal, venezuela and the bahamas
-gotten photos published in the paper
-returned to school a year ago to pursue a degree in nursing
-seen many, many, many concerts and live bands
-fell in love with my soulmate

things i would still like to do is going to take a while to compile.

In reality: Harriet the tortoise dies at 175

a hornet fell on me today but did not sting

sitting in the park today, i met an old sheepdog named thurman. even all that hair couldn't cover up those eyes.

i finally finished reading Genome: The autobiography of a species in 23 chapters.

the last 2 chapters spoke of eugenics and free will.
it was so interesting to learn of all the scientists who glorified the case for eugenics and the politicians that put eugenics into practice--putting laws into place to stop the stupid people from breeding.
this, of course, led to insane asylums and sterilization...putting the crazies away so they couldn't procreate; for some countries, like Germany, the laws allowed 70,000 already sterilized psych patients to be gassed, to free up beds for their soldiers during WWII.
needless to say, Hitler was a fan.

of course, even though many of the sterilization laws were changed, people are still, to some degree, practicing eugenic medicine today.
for example, older mothers-to-be, because of their "high risk" of Downs babies, can receive amniocentesis to check the unborn baby for a duplicate of chromosome 21 (which is indicative of Downs Syndrome)...if present, they are conjoled into aborting the fetus.

anyway, fascinating stuff. read it.

Music to my ears: Explosions in the Sky ~ Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Die, Those Who Tell the Truth Shall Live Forever
(good sittin in the park & readin music...the kind where watching 3 butterflies play makes a beautiful moment -m.)

Words to live by: "Either our actions are determined, in which case we are not responsible for them, or they are the result of random events, in which case we are not responsible for them" ~this is Hume's fork, subsequently named such after this dilemma that plagued the philosopher David Hume

i have a friend with a drug problem

at 29 years old, i'm finally feeling comfortable in my own skin.

and just as i've changed my whole life, one of my best friends has a crack addiction.
i want to save her. but i can't. until she wants to be saved.
but she's almost ready.
i want her to come here so i can lock her in a room and play the part of johnny cash's mother-in-law and hold the shotgun while her crackhead boyfriend tries to come get her or her dealer finds her.

i feel completely helpless.

Music to my ears: Atmosphere - Satan Hates Beauty
Food for thought: still reading Genome...

everything is for sale

the undeniable stench of stale urine.
and i watch as you spit on the floor of the subway while the guy next to you wolfs down that footlong sub.

Music to my ears: The Mars Volta - deloused in the comatorium

Food for thought: Genome-the autobiography of a species in 23 chapters by Matt Ridley

Words to live by: "The fear of freedom is strong within us" ~Germaine Greer

In reality: Big Brother is watching you (tell me something i didn't know)

i am the stone goliath...

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Stone Goliath Your Superpower is Radiation Your Weakness is Ice Your Weapon is Your Stellar Amplifier Your Mode of Transportation is Seahorse

What's your Superhero Name?

teen rebellion is just another product

i watched a pretty good pbs documentary today called the merchants of cool on the symbiotic relationship between teens & the media.
basically it left me with the question of whether there is room anymore for kids to start a counter-culture.
there may be, but it's such a small window of time before the ideas are bought up, re-packaged, and sold back to us. this is when it turns mainstream. and that gap is getting smaller. especially with music.
it's just one big feedback loop....which leads to the old chicken or egg adage: is the media really reflecting the actual world of kids/teens or vice versa?
anyway, as interesting as it is, i'm still procrastinating on that damn essay about female body image in the media, in particular Dove's "campaign for real beauty".
argh.

Music to my ears: Fugazi's End Hits
Current food for thought: The Rebel Sell: why the culture can't be jammed by Joseph Heath & Andrew Potter

Words to live by: "Step off the straight and narrow career-and-materialism groove and you just end up on another one--the groove for people who step off the main groove. And that groove was worn indeed...Everywhere we imagined ourselves standing turned into a cliche beneath our feet." ~ Naomi Klein, No Logo (start of the chapter on The Youth Market and the Marketing of Cool when she's lamenting on the fact that upon finishing highschool her and her best friend wanted to "do something" but everything had been done already)

In reality: (or is it?) this is just screaming lord of the flies or alex garland's the beach meets survivor.

procrastination at its best

i am supposed to be writing an essay right now.
i am "critiquing" (i hate that word, hence the quotes) an ad. i am attempting to write 6-8 pages on why the Dove ad campaign--you know, the "real beauty" ads--are not really that radical to the advertising world. they're still selling a product. a commodity.
just because they put women on their ads that don't conform to the popular ideology of "beauty" (ie: inherently thin and white) doesn't make Dove an overnight feminist entity.
especially when the newest ads are for firming lotion. so, what? it's okay to be not thin and not white, if you firm up? please.

anyway, this is great
there were these giant billboards on the gardiner expressway when the campaign first came out that had people voting, complete with live counter, on whether the woman pictured was fat or fab.

this is a mini-post, not conforming to my usual, because there is more to come on this subject as i begin my essay rant. this should be fun.

it's amazing how a demolition can bring strangers together

some songs or bands are just so great at capturing the theme of life.
i've always wanted to film a short movie of a certain part of life solely based on how well a song fits.
my streetcar ride today fit so well with wintersleep's migration; especially if i could slow down the passing of people. the variety of people and storefronts and delapidated buildings...maybe because i was on the dundas car, which always has some interesting sights around regent park--kind of a sad, unsettling feeling while still being full of beauty.
godspeed you! black emperor often has this same effect for me--although more for the ups and downs of my own life...personal trials and tribulations.
but why do only upsetting events warrant a soundtrack? it seems that happiness is usually expressed as cheesy pop. maybe all that angst and depression causes good writing?
or maybe that cheesy pop is just a mask of happiness (made to tell us what 'happy' is) and what's not always 'happy' is what's real, and as a result, is actually what makes happiness?
or maybe it's all just my interpretation.
i had a few songs in my head for a soundtrack for the demolition i saw yesterday, that could have made it beautiful, but the fact that strangers were conversing and laughing together made it beautiful in its own right.
sometimes music isn't even needed for therapy. sometimes all it takes is a little human interaction.

Music to my ears: wintersleep & godspeed you! black emperor
Words to live by: "After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music." ~Aldous Huxley from "Music at Night" (1931)

In reality: this is just freakin cool.

i'm just not feeling very smart right now

trivial pursuit always makes me feel stupid.
why don't i just go with my gut answers? do i even care that much?

In reality: Artificial penis allows rabbits to mate normally

I really need my own chatbot right now.

why nursing is working for me

trish is teaching for a different reason than the others.
she's targeting those grown up enough to make a fast change. she's part of the greater good. none of the cutesy games & activities. she's not targeting the young nurse who thinks blood is gross but thinks she can make a small difference. this woman wants changes.
she truly believes that nurses are the first to push for primary health care in our country. maybe it's not too late for our health care system. maybe that idea of universality and accessibility can stay....if we act fast. the 2-tier system may be upon us very shortly.
maybe that's why the level of education has increased for nursing students. more education could equal more intelligence. at the very least, 4 years worth can definitely weed out the not-so-serious, or the ones in it for money (and they do exist! there are a lot easier ways to make way more money, seriously. get into ad sales).
so maybe the increase in education years is not helping the shortage of nurses we're facing. but maybe if we look at it as a shortage in the short term. it's a small sacrifice to make for nurses who are passionate enough to stick it through. nurses who can make a difference.

Music to my ears: Amon Tobin's Permutations
Words to live by: "Nursing is most truly said to be a high calling, an honourable calling. But what does the honour lie in? In working hard during your training to learn and to do all things perfectly. The honour does not lie in putting on Nursing like your uniform. Honour lies in loving perfection, consistency, and in working hard for it: in being ready to work patiently: ready to say not "How clever I am!" but "I am not yet worthy; and I will live to deserve to be called a Trained Nurse"." ~Florence Nightingale (advice to nursing students, 1873)

In reality: The kink at the edge of the solar system

today is the first day of the rest of my life...or something like that

this is it. this is the day. i have been smoke-free for 1/2 a day now. it's gonna work this time. i've been clearing my apartment of all evidence that smokers lived here. the ashtrays are washed out, the nicotine stains have been windex-ed off the tv and glass surfaces, the dust is about to be vaccuumed off the floor--although the clumps of cat hair under the bed will never go away.

i was talking to my friend cathy on sunday and i told her my plan.
"tuesday is the day. it's attempt #7, and maybe it's my lucky number. no, it is my lucky number. this is it, for real this time."
and she said, "oh lordy...dude, why did we ever start?" (yes, she actually talks like that; she's great)
but i can't think about why anymore. that was so very long ago. i don't want to regret that decision anymore. i've had some great smoking years. really. 14 years, to be exact. it got me through those turbulent & depressive coming-of-age years. it was great after sex. jon and i chain-smoked on road trips to wonderful places while drinking gas station coffee at 3 am (which by the way is a recipe for some serious gut rot). sitting in a smoky pub in belfast last year wouldn't have been the same without contributing to the eye-watering haze.
i ran a marathon and got my black belt in karate while being a smoker. seriously.

i've quit before, but only half-assedly (is that a word? it is now). you know, the pack in the freezer "just in case"...or "jon, let's just share one, okay? it's not really like smoking."
this time the pack is in the garbage. i've got my supplies: gum (spearment & nicorette), bottles of water, books, the patch (if it comes down to it), ibuprofen, toothpicks, kleenex (i start to get overly emotional--really, it's quite ridiculous. look at me the wrong way and i'm apt to start bawling). i just wish i didn't have to work or go to school, and i could just hole away. because my strategy this time is lying in bed and going through the full junkie withdrawal. i can't go out (especially for a drink) and i don't want to talk to anybody. atleast for the first 3 days.

my motivation is this: i don't want to be a smoking nurse. (of course jon says "oh you'll be a smokin' nurse!" heh, he's funny). but i don't want to be a smoking nurse. it just doesn't make sense. it has always gone against everything i care about. the environment, stickin it to the man, blah blah. you know, important stuff. my own health. and the time is now. my dream of typing away furiously in a smoky study overlooking the water somewhere up north...with an ashtray full of butts...isn't so sexy anymore.

i think i've finally made it past the "i like smoking" bit. i will miss it, but i'm seriously over it this time. of course, talk to me tomorrow. when i'm begging for your half-smoked cig, say no. please.

Music to my ears: silence
Words to live by: "Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." ~Mark Twain

In reality: why are things like this still going on? it saddens me.

the pop-pop of firecrackers ringing in my ears

oh the beauty of celebrating a dead monarch.
and it's cold out.

i just finished reading Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore. it was so lovely to devour a beautiful piece of fiction. since starting school last september, my collection of fiction novels awaiting my hungry brain has sat, untouched, on the bookshelf. instead i've been reading textbooks on the art of nursing, physical examination and health assessment and psychology (to name a few). i have a lot of reading to do this summer. but murakami was a great start. he never lets me down--i get so lost in his world that my night dreams start to blur with my daydreams. my mind wanders into a land of metaphors and surrealism. everything you could ask for in a great piece of fiction.

it seems that i have changed so much in the last year. and not just the obvious. at 28 years of age i left a job that sucked my soul away to return to school to become an RN. i really didn't think that this would drastically affect the way i look at life. i have learned so much about myself that i've been feeling a bit revolutionary lately. some may say idealistic, but is that such a bad thing? is it so misleading to think that we are the generation that can change things? i truly believe we can. and it will be a joint effort between people across different fields of work. it all goes back to those connections we make.
i've been getting way too absorbed in sociology/social commentary and popular culture lately. but i think that's a good thing...for myself....and maybe for others. we'll see.

Music to my ears: Tool's aenima
Words to live by: "The world that we live in is not real. Consumer capitalism has taken every authentic human experience, transformed it into a commodity and then sold it back to us through advertising and mass media." ~from The Rebel Sell, by Joseph Heath & Andrew Potter (discussing the thesis of Guy Debord, a radical Marxist)

In reality: The rapping reverend

beer & peanuts at jimmy's place

i met a teary-eyed mr. grant at the hospital today.
"why are you crying," i asked.
"because i'm in pain," he replied.

Music to my ears: Talking Heads
Words to live by: "Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

In reality: Farmers hail `return to sanity'
(that was close. farmers feed cities, you know.)

a conversation with jon

"our connections with people is the only thing that seems to be real," i said.
"but even then, most connections are still founded on consumption," he replied.

i am a book whore.
i devour books and love every page and every word. but i just can't let them go. i love to buy them and i love to keep them.
i have fanatasies about finishing a book and leaving it somewhere for someone to pick up, or giving it to someone so they can enjoy what i just enjoyed, but i can't. why is it so hard to let my possessions go? they are merely possessions after all. they don't make who i am. what i have read, and what has stuck in my head, makes who i am.
and somehow with books (and music too) i think it is different. it could be worse. it could be shoes or handbags or clothes. but atleast it's art, right? but how does this make it any different? they are still a commodity--a product of a capitalist society. and yet i try to justify it as something else.

Music to my ears: Sigur Ros
Words to live by: "A corporation has no soul, no morals. It cannot feel love, pain, or remorse. You cannot argue with it. A corporation is nothing but a process--an efficient way of generating revenue." ~Adbusters

In reality: 2 separate stories, yet both travesties in their own right. we're continually forced to become such mass consumers, that we are losing our sense of community (well, what's left of it)

New rules proposed for farmers' markets: Critics fear stiffer health regulations could kill business

Three rep cinemas to close by end of June
RIP

on the way to school

da da da da da daaaaa, da da da da da daaaaa
the tai chi movements in tune with the music in my ears...arms outstretched, reaching to the sky, and side to side...i wonder whatever happened to that boy named Kyo.

Music to my ears: Wintersleep
Words to live by: "You painted a naked woman because you enjoyed looking at her, you put a mirror in her hand and you called the painting Vanity, thus morally condemning the woman whose nakedness you had depicted for your own pleasure." ~ John Berger, from Ways of Seeing

In reality: Teen in Texas bitten by a bat in his sleep; dies of rabies
(anyone else believe in vampires? -m.)

morning ride

i talked to a hippie on the streetcar today. "My, that's a good book you're reading," I said. He nodded in agreement and shaking his beard like a horse's mane 3 sparrows flew out to perch on my coffee mug.

Music to my ears: Saul Williams
Words to live by: "Symbolism and meaning are two separate things. I think she found the right words by bypassing procedures like meaning and logic. She captured words in a dream, like delicately catching hold of a butterfly's wings as it flutters around. Artists are those who can evade the verbose." ~Haruki Murakami, from Kafka on the Shore

In reality: 22 American soldiers in Iraq committed suicide in 2005.

outlet for the new world

i'm not welcoming you to this blog--it's more for me...but thanks for stopping by, and feel free to come back.