random shots from the poor pilgrim island show

dog days of summer

it all started with a trip to the farmer's market in withrow park.

then came eating juicy cherries by the remains of the 1967 sculpture symposium in high park.

a picnic at christie pits with fresh summer peas from the morning market (see photo), tetra pak wine and a toronto maple leafs vs the allstars baseball game.

followed by the search for real gelato at corso italia ending up with espresso and beer and garlic pesto shrimp skewers with random Italians and a Portuguese while listening to Dr Draw (for way cheaper--read: free--than his upcoming $70 massey hall show)

a roller derby match (D-Vas vs Death Track Dolls)

finished with a delicious sangria margarita at the willow.

days you don't want to end.

my favourite summer in the city days.

saturday was one of those days.

~

In reality (kinda): july 3 - aug 11

Food for thought: Alligator by Lisa Moore

the ultimate test of faith

sometimes i just want to trade in all my thoughts and dreams and live a shallow and meaningless existence.
just to take a break.
because sometimes my brain hurts from thinking too much.
is this the ultimate test?

~
Food for thought: I Am Legend by Richard Matheson (haven't seen the movie and after reading the book, not sure i want to)

the moon, the stars...whatever...something's not in alignment

so a series of unfortunate events in the week have led me to believe that there are forces beyond my control...my, my, how my beliefs change with the passing tides...
i'm thinking i may read more about simone de beauvoir because however briefly we touched on her in existentialism class, from what i understand, she proposed the idea that our patterns of thinking were purely situational. how we act and make decisions and what we believe in should be on a case by case basis. i can completely relate to that. i mean, look at me...today...thinking that there is some external force affecting or causing the recent suicides (one, a client of the mental health team i work for and two, a resident--not our client--of a nearby boarding house that we frequent to see other clients).
i also have to wonder whether her being one of the only female existentialist thinkers, or writers, that the situation-based thinking is heavily influenced by gender. this is what is wanting me to read more.
after a recent fight of epic proportions for a couple who never fight, i got to thinking...sometimes i think girls are crazy...myself included. and it's much easier to blame the insanity on gender, but playing into the whole gender role thing makes me queasy since it's society that has created the gender roles anyway...so blaming it on an external force is a much easier way to quell the guilt, i guess. but i joke. kinda.
this situation is so unusual that i don't even know how we're to recover.

~
Music to my ears: the humming of a work computer and the buzzing of an extra large fly.
Food for thought: Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho

check this

come check out our table on saturday at Big on Bloor.

JJM - a trio of old roommates making art.
Tables G-06 & G-07 (between Westmoreland & Dovercourt)

for a taste of what to expect, follow the links below:

1st J
2nd J

life is full of contradictions

is it Camus who actually committed philosophical suicide by committing us to absurdity?
Or was it Kierkegaard because he gave up his questions to be answered by God?
According to Camus, the theistic thinkers gave up rationality and looked for hope instead. Hope in transcendence.
Staying in the absurdity and finding meaning in the situation is what brings joy. For Camus, joy is the transcendence. But doesn't that mean that he himself has committed philosophical suicide by choosing something?

~
Addicted to: LOST season 4

we are not living our own existence

some random quotes from my existentialist prof:

- you can't seduce a lady with bus stop language

- once we talk about creation we commit ourselves to a creator therefore we didn't create ourselves

- biologists are theologians in disguise because they can't describe existence

- why do we still live by these old morals (slave morality)? this is why war happened in Europe...things weren't working...this is happening now again--war, corporate culture--we are not living our own existence.

~
Music to my ears: Thom Yorke

the curse of the uni-tasker

Mark Twain has a quote that goes something like "we have 2 ears and 1 mouth so we should do double the listening"

focusing on one task at a time makes a good listener.
a really good listener is doing only one thing: paying attention. listening.
but society values the multi-tasker.
there are no awards for the good listener as there are for the person who can do it all at once.

~
Music to my ears: Mono

the story of "sc"

"sc" in the middle of a word is a good indication that the word means:

progress, becoming, in the process of being formed, not yet complete, coming into being, developing

try it:
nascent
adolescence
transcendence
luminescent
incandescent

gluttony

notes from an existentialism class: I

existentialism.
existent.
exist.
ist=latin verb=to be.
that which is. that which stands. to stand.
existence=to stand out.
how we exist in the world.
we can choose the actions that shape ourselves.
a human ability.
even if animals could ask these kinds of questions, would we understand?
existentialist thinkers tried to show others to accept they are free.
to free people from illusion.
missionary work.
(this is what got socrates in trouble. when people try to free other people, this is what happens)
the object of mood is mood itself.
when i'm seeing, can i see myself seeing?
what does it feel like to feel?
this is what it means to be conscious.
what it really means to exist.
for you. for me. for self.
to find a truth that is true to me.
to understand myself. find what is true for me. the idea of what i am.
(what good is it to construct meanings if it has no deeper significance for my life?)
reality is subjective.
==
despair vs doubt.
all of us experience despair. nobody can say they never had the chance to feel this feeling.
nobody is exempt from despair.
therefore it is a choice. you can choose it.
doubt is a quality of the intellect. an intellectual advantage.
some never have the chance to learn doubt.
everyone has the ability to choose. not choosing despair doesn't mean you're not feeling despair.
my failure to choose it means i'm living in a shallow state of consciosness.
choice = awareness of conscience.

~
Music to my ears - Queens of the Stone Age - Lullabies to Paralyze
Food for thought - Basic Writings of Existentialism - Gord Marino
In reality - R.I.P Paul Croutch

weird dreams and dark shoegaze

why do i get this feeling that there is something you're not telling me?
why do i have thoughts in my head that are so creative and compelling and yet my fingers can't seem to get them out right?
the story i've created about your little secret involves forbidden intimacy between friends, perhaps being found out by another friend, a mental breakdown, a break between two former lovers, an ultimatum between two friends which involves not wanting to hurt me, and so the band breaks?
for now a truce has been made, but how long can you survive this little game?
how long can your devastating secret lie dormant?
two people want to tell me and you won't let them.
you're more powerful than i thought.

~
Music to my ears: Nadja

holden was my hero

moving means purging. especially moving to a place half the size of the previous, with double the books. it's time for my duplicate copy of The Catcher in the Rye to move on.
before it goes, a collection of underlined passages and dog-eared pages...

p. 87 - I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
p. 92 - The thing is, most of the time when you're coming pretty close to doing it with a girl--a girl that isn't a prostitute or anything, I mean--she keeps telling you to stop. The trouble with me is, I stop. Most guys don't. I can't help it. You never know whether they really want you to stop, or whether they're just scared as hell, or whether they're just telling you to stop so that if you do go through with it, the blame'll be on you, not them. Anyway, I keep stopping.
p.110 - (can't remember why i ever dog-eared this page, here's a guess) All the two of them were eating for breakfast was toast and coffee. That depressed me. I hate it if I'm eating bacon and eggs or something and somebody else is only eating toast and coffee.
p. 121 - Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you.
p. 123 - (a funny page about how boring most guys are)
p. 125 - (can't remember why this page was dog-eared)
p. 130-131 - (these 2 pages always made me sad because here was Holden saying that he hated things that most people are into and was only sticking around because of this girl and clearly she doesn't give a shit, and he realizes that she's just one of those people he hates) "Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddamn horse. A horse is at least oldhuman, for God's sake. A horse you can at least--"
"I don't know what you're even talking about," old Sally said.
p. 139 - The part that got me was, there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddamn picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a goddamn wolf. You take somebody that cries their goddamn eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding.
p. 141 - (not sure whether I dog-eared this page because of the reference to The Great Gatsby or because of Holden saying he's glad the atomic bomb was invented)
p. 148-149 - (i think i just liked this whole conversation between Holden and Luce. it always seemed that whoever he actually did reach out to, didn't give a shit) "I can never get really sexy--I mean really sexy--with a girl I don't like a lot. I mean I have to like her a lot. If I don't, I sort of lose my goddamn desire for her and all. Boy, it really screws up my sex life something awful. My sex life stinks."
p. 158 - (?? maybe Holden sneaking around drunk made me laugh?)
p. 172-173 - (i love how he speaks of his little sister Phoebe. i think siblings, little sisters in particular, are the best at listening because family always knows who you really are)"...People never think anything is anything really. I'm getting goddam [sic] sick of it."
If somebody at least listens, it's not too bad.
p. 183 - (i think this dog-ear had to do with Holden saying how much more interesting it was when someone digressed as opposed to always sticking to the point)
p. 185 - "...I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice...I mean, he'd keep telling you to unify and simplify all the time. Some things you just can't do that to. I mean you can't hardly ever simplify and unify something just because somebody wants you to..."
p. 188-189 - (again, no idea what i was thinking of at the time)
p. 196 - The thing is, if you get very depressed about something, it's hard as hell to swallow.
p. 197-199 - (i liked this part because Holden's having a great time with Phoebe and then has an anxiety attack when he realizes there's no stopping the evil in the world)
p. 201 - (i think i loved that Holden gets seriously pissed at whoever wrote fuck you on the wall of his sister's school. i think i loved that he gets so passionate about how kids might see it and then get twisted ideas of what it means. it was touching.)
p. 204 - I was the only one left in the tomb then. I sort of liked it, in a way. It was so nice and peaceful. Then, all of a sudden, you'd never guess what I saw on the wall. Another "Fuck you." It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of the wall, under the stones. That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
p. 207 & p. 211 - (not sure why I dog-eared these pages...maybe the touching brother-sister conversation?)
p. 213 - I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know?
p. 214 - (last lines) Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

I read that book four times. four times. and each time i was looking for something, anything. once for something that related to my troubled and over thinking teen years (just like Holden my hero)...maybe once in the search for a god...around the time i took a foray into the born again christian world...the search for bits of genius in '90s punk music, where every Pennywise lyric was written for me and my friends.
the search for inspiration in J.D. Salinger. being able to find meaning in his simplicity.
Holden Caulfield. i felt his pain. his indifference. his constant questioning.
the 4th and final time i read that book i knew our love affair was finally over.

can't talk...unpacking.

...

~
Music to my ears: Modest Mouse

a long day post-concert

saul williams is my hero.
one of the best shows i've seen in a long time.
so glad i didn't miss it, despite having an 8am exam today, followed by a seminar in the west end of the city, back to tutor in the east end, then up north to a dentist appt...i have bike bum and i'm tired as hell...
but at least i got to see saul williams in full concept mode glory.

~
Music to my ears: CX Kidtronik - Krak Attack

music and the mood of a society

this conversation has come up again. first with jon. then with john.
does the music of this decade reflect society's mood or does the mood of the society affect the kind of music being made?
this thought came to mind as i've been working more with addictions and mental health and have noticed the recent (last few years) trend back to cocaine...(and especially crack! maybe because people are poorer? that's a different rant altogether...)
cocaine is a stimulant and usually people self-medicate accordingly...if a whole society has been depressed as of late, why not increase your dopamine response? makes logical sense.
of course, i've also been reading recent literature stating that alcohol is the new weed.
which would make sense with the cocaine spike because alcohol is a depressant.
so whether society is just depressed as a result of the state of the world or whether depression is a result of the increase in alcohol use, music is being affected.
in the last decade the music has been full of depressing emo-type tunes.
or crappy disco pop music (all the "the" bands...c'mon, let's be real. it IS disco). this is the '80s revisited. shitty disco with blow. it all makes sense.
what happened to the acid? the weed? the psychadelics that spawned a generation of guitar riffs and experimental instrumental bands. (don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of awesome instrumental bands out there! but rock, punk, anything remotely revolutionary just isn't in the mainstream. and where is all the good, politically-driven, intelligent rap/hip hop?).
john says the recent meth bust with the hell's angels in BC (he's from victoria) had an impact with the decline of meth and meth-related drugs (ie: K), therefore increasing the use of cocaine. that it's all about drugs and the economy. and this in turn affects the music. we are a culture run by drugs and money. money and drugs.
jon says it's like the chicken or the egg debate. maybe the music is influencing the mood? after all, the music that is popular right now has been emerging for the last decade or so. maybe all this shitty music has made society depressed?
i'm hoping that there's a musical revolution coming soon.
(maybe spawned by the impending collapse of the economy? once again, another rant, another time.)
the societal revolution this time is environmental. finally.
it took this long for "green" to be the new in thing.
it's about time the mainstream took hold of the environment as an issue to capitalize on.
maybe this will bring about a change in music. and mood. or mood. and music.

~
Food for thought: What is the What - Dave Eggers
In reality: have gender roles become so ingrained in us that they've become part of the evolutionary process? does this mean as they're trying to be broken down, it'll take another 100 years before new gender roles are ingrained into the evolutionary process?

will the true disassociator please stand up?

i've decided to diagnose my best friend with narcissistic personality disorder.
she's always told me that she's got such a high self-esteem, such a heightened self-confidence.
so much so that i used to be jealous of that ability to regard oneself so highly.
often wished it upon myself.
but then we moved in together and certain behaviours got me thinking.
and lately she just won't talk to me, and i was blaming myself, thinking i had done something wrong (clearly i'm at the other end of the narcissistic pole).
but then i realized the differences between self-esteem and egotism.
the difference is that with NPD you're prone to aggressive outbursts, especially when things don't go your way.
the difference is the complete and utter lack of empathy.
the difference is the arrogance, which although was visible pre-living together, i was not able to see just how much admiration was necessary...or required.
i love her to death, but maybe i can stop blaming myself for something that i have no idea if i've done.

~
Music to my ears: Atmosphere - Overcast!

a conversation in cantonese

yesterday at the hospital, the wife of my client and myself had a long conversation in cantonese.
i don't speak cantonese.
~
Music to my ears: Fugazi - End Hits
Words to live by: "I learn what I believe as I hear myself speak" - Bill Murray

#20 burns in my mouth and my fingers smell like garlic

i missed out on homemade blueberry pie yesterday. damn detox.
i'm surprised at my willpower.
while everyone ate moroccan chicken and spiral honey ham, i ate salad and asparagus.
that's fine since i don't eat chicken or ham anyway.
a bottle of white wine was cracked and i smiled because i prefer red.
while everyone ate freshly baked cinnamon buns, my mouth watered and i looked away.
the blueberry pie, with its flaky crust, oh man, that flaky crust looked good...jon offered to eat some and then breathe on me. i laughed and declined.
but the coffee. oh the coffee. sitting in a house full of true coffee drinkers, a tear came to my eye.
but at least i fit into my jeans.
seems the self-restraint comes easier when there's a valid reason.
i should pretend i'm in detox all the time.

~
Music to my ears: Pointer Sisters - Jump (for my love) (don't laugh. i'm in a shared office and a crappy radio station is on)
Food for thought: still reading Milan Kundera, who is slowly becoming my new favourite author. right up there with Paul Auster.

detox day 2

i'm not hungry.
this is quite the miracle since all i have been eating for 2 days is fish, nuts, oils, brown rice (and related brown rice paper-like tasting stuff), fruits and vegetables...and these homeopathic UNDA drops taken sublingually that temporarily numb my mouth, like that first bite into a clorets eliminator gum.
so...not unlike my usual diet i guess, except for the eggs and yogurt and soy and wheat....and gum. (holy hell i have just realized the extent of my gum addiction).
and alcohol....and the coffee. oh the coffee.
oh man what i wouldn't give for one cup of java right now. even just a little, wee espresso. just to get that wonderful coffee bean taste on my tongue.
even a Timmy's coffee would do--it is roll up the rim time.
i'd give up the sauce for the rest of my life, even my precious vino, to be left with my caffeine fix.
this tea just isn't cuttin it.

~
Food for thought: Identity by Milan Kundera

In reality: When I'm walking down the street with headphones on, listening to my ipod which is sitting in my pocket and my cell phone starts ringing, this buzzing creeps me out.