things my boyfriend says too

i used to read this site--things my boyfriend says--religiously, and laugh my ass off because my man often comes up with one liners that are so randomly hilarious, like this
and once i even challenged the author to pit our boys' words against each other's in a super- mega boyfriend says blog...yes, i can hear myself laughing now.

but then, often, in non-hilarious ways and with sage-like precision, in the midst of semi-deep conversation, bob says stuff to stop my tangential rants

i love shower talks
today, i was ranting while i was showering and bob was listening to me, as usual
i think i was talking about not knowing my beliefs--my confusion about my own sureness.
and without missing my beat, he says:

"the people who are absolutely sure in their beliefs--about everything--are usually wrong"

6:45am on the 501

the weight of the world's catastrophes and nuances is an unsettling burden to bear--and difficult at times.
i remember being 20 and thinking i was all alone.
and all i had to do was talk and find out that i wasn't fucked up--i was thinking everybody else's thoughts.
i used to think thoughts got easier as you got older (ah, the blissfulness of ignorance) but now i see it cycles in tens.
with each decade some new weight sits there, lending itself to the hunchbacked bitter old hag i will become.
so, now?
the thinking more intense.
because the knowing exists.

~
Music to my (early morning) ears: nascent state - a diary of blurry feet

the few days i have off in between work shifts are always studded with various random errands and pre-planned activities, and then the days that i do nothing for a few hours, i feel are wasted.
so sad.
i am highly anticipating a grand change in twentyten.
because twentyten just sounds so grand...or so old--like a grandfather clock-- depending on my level of optimism for the day.

~
Music to my ears: 65daysofstatic

contemplating the move

tyya, in her favourite spot

i feel no sense of community here.
maybe i have a skewed definition of community.
maybe i have different values than my friends.
maybe i have no friends?
maybe that is because i have different values or define "community" differently.

i'm looking forward to a change. to a fresh start.
i was ambivalent at first. moving across the country is a huge decision.
frightening, even. but exciting as well.
the gears are in motion.
2010 will be a bit of a different year.
it's about time.

In other horrific news: Haitian disaster

band plug

a cheap music show in toronto? can it be?
oh yes.

come see nascent state open for induced labour, lan party, women in tragedy at teranga african bar (159 august ave) on tuesday jan 12
4 bands, 3 dollars

click here for stillepost listing

happy 2010

2009. it's been a doozy.

i graduated university with a degree in nursing.
got a job on a neuro & trauma unit.
explored turkey for a couple of weeks.
got engaged in a hot air balloon over fairy mountains in goreme, cappadocia (central turkey)
wrote my RN exam...and passed.
played my first show as one half of nascent state.
added a link to the chain with a bike ride to niagara falls.
got a few camping trips in this summer and up to algonquin for thanksgiving to cook a bird over the fire.
witnessed the birth of my nephew, jackson philip.
that same day, tested for my 2nd degree black belt in karate...and was successful!
shortly after, experienced the death of my dear nonna.

here's to a new year.
salut!

conversations in a hospital #10

this is, by far, one of my most favourite patients ever.
a horribly sad story, she was almost killed by her brother and his girlfriend...they attempted murder and left her with a closed head injury, subdural hematoma, a gash in her neck so big that i'm surprised she's still alive, and ultimately a traumatic brain injury...
she has improved dramatically in the few months she's been here, but has gone between our trauma unit and the trauma/neuro ICU multiple times, near death, battling multiple infections, and the deepest pressure sores i have ever seen...
she is now eating and talking and moving, but is moody, sometimes agitated, sometimes tearful, confused as to place and time and generally everything, but i am sure that she has brief moments of lucidity...and she's just funny as all hell sometimes...
~

on initial assessment, trying to locate the pt's feet under a gazillion blankets:

me: where are your feet?
pt: i usually like to find them at the bottom of my ankles.

on the afterlife...

me: do you still talk to your mom?
pt: well she's dead, so it's a little difficult...of course, i still do sometimes

on italian heritage...
(which, by the way, she is not...but i am...and she seemed to be using random memories as her own experiences to share with me...too funny)

pt: i mean, how many pictures of an italian horse do i really need?

leaving the room:

pt: be careful!
me: why?
pt: it's crazy out there.

you know you're a nurse when...

as i was sleeping off my night shift last night i began dreaming of intermittent catheters and giving myself an IMC...only to wake up and realize i had to pee like crazy.

the hipster reigns supreme

it was all mustaches and mohawks at the hip hop show

"do you think his one speed is in the tour van?" bob asks (re: eyedea of eyedea & abilities).

i believe the correct nomenclature is fixed gear.

~
Music to my ears: themselves - the free houdini

eulogy to my nonna

did you smile when you saw the light?
did you finally give in...or had you been waiting?
the bittersweet irony of choking on chicoria. oh irony, how i love you so.
you make life worth living (dying for?)

my sweet sweet nonna.
i cried.
but i'm not sure if it was because society tells us to cry at death.
because really, with any faith, should we not be celebrating life?

say hi to nonno.
R.I.P.

she says it better than i can

welcome, little one

to my dear little nephew, jackson philip, who entered this world on oct 29 at 4:45pm, weighing in at a hefty 5lbs 15oz (wee lil' guy):

welcome...i've been waiting to meet you

a conversation with mum

on days off, my ritual consists of sittin my ass on the couch with a coffee, reading email (well, if any of my 4 friends send me anything), catching up on my favourite blogs and sites, all the while on msn with mum, whose office life is anything but exciting...not that i'm any more exciting than her work environment, but we all need a little distraction in our lives...

so telling her about the lost ring and my thought of getting my wedding band tattooed on my finger (this isn't the first ring i've lost), she writes:

maybe you should hang them on a chain around your neck, you never lost your house key when you were a kid and it hung around your neck, lol

thanks, ma.

~
Music to my ears: Dead Confederate
In reality: this kid was my co-worker's brother's teammate and friend
(my rant on H1N1 is being formulated...more on that coming)

ttc weather

when the weather starts to turn, i start to wuss out of riding my bike for transportation. the only thing i like about riding the ttc is listening to my ipod, reading a book, and occasionally looking up to people watch and make up stories about my fellow passengers...

==
his eyes tell the truth.
he loves you.
and even if you see it, you'll treat him like shit for years.
and yet his love--it's relentless.
he won't care when you hate yourself for putting on a few extra pounds.
he'll love you even more.
he will always see you. on the inside.
and no matter how much that scares you, it's real.

~
Music to my ears: minus the bear - highly refined pirates
In reality: F**ks**t

mushin

as i prepare for my nidan level testing (2nd degree black belt) in Shotokan...a message from my hero:

gone. the ring is gone.

in a patient's bed linens? down the laundry chute?
in a latex glove, in the trash? down the garbage chute?
i may never know.
the ring that was given to me by the love of my life after 11 years of togetherness.
the ring that was so unexpected and wonderfully surprising and in such a beautiful place.
i haven't felt this terrible in a long long time.
"it's just a ring" he says.
what remains is a non-tanned strip of white skin on my ring finger and this photo:



i think i'm more upset with myself for 3 things.
1. for not getting the ring re-sized sooner, so it wouldn't fall off my finger.
2. for wearing it to work anyways.
3. for not noticing when and where it fell off.

i cried.

turkey on the campfire

Centennial Ridges trail, Algonquin Park


The Lookout trail, Algonquin Park


Centennial Ridges trail, Algonquin Park


Centennial Ridges trail, Algonquin Park


Mosley

apples, you tasty things

can't you just smell their apple-y goodness?

i need an apple dessert recipe that can double as a birthday type dessert and something easy to transport on a camping trip for thanksgiving dinner...something i can warm on the fire.
this will involve a little leg work.
i need something i can make ahead of time and possibly freeze, before leaving to go up north.
something that can make it until sunday in a cooler, and will go well with a bird cooked over hot coals.
something i could potentially stick a candle in.
something gillian gellybeans would enjoy for her birthday cake.
and something that really tastes like the apple-y goodness of fall.
i have a ton of tasty apples. ones that are perfect for a dessert.
but i want to taste fall.
i want the dessert to taste like tasty, delicious october apples...and possibly be gluten free...and vegan?
hmmmm.

my first ethical dilemma

...at my new fangled healthcare job that is...not in life...gawd no...in life, i've come across many, but as a freshie RN, recently released on my own sans preceptor/mentor, this was tough.

my first night of 3 in a row and i had 6 patients...4 of which were in a "high observation" room, meaning that a clinical assistant (CA) is always in the room as these 4 patients are prone to being agitated, pulling tubes out, at an extra high risk for falls, or some other reason that they need 24/7 watch.
as i walked in the room, one of these women is already quite agitated and insisting she leave at once. but you see, this woman has a brain injury, and her communication was a word salad at best.
funny thing is, i could totally understand what she was trying to say most times, just by her tone and intonation, and the odd word that came out correct (she hated me, that part was clear)...but for the most part, i can only imagine how frustrating it must be for her to not have the right articulation.
the CA was having trouble keeping watch over 4 patients and trying to keep this woman in the room, so two CAs got her in to bed and applied the wrist restraints.

wrist restraints already come with a whole not-so-nice-human rights-ish vibe to me, let alone the ethical issues...i have a fantastic team and there are a couple of charge nurses that i felt really comfortable talking to, despite my being new.
because not only did i have to restrain her for most of the weekend with physical restraints, but after coming back for saturday night and finding out that other staff was pissed that i didn't give her the haldol on saturday morning, which apparently then caused her to be "restless and agitated and exi-seeking all day" (like she wasn't already) on sunday morning 4 of us had to hold her down, give her the IM shot of haldol while putting on the wrist restraints...
so not just physical restraints, but medical restraint...straight out of a 1950s "insane asylum" movie.
it just doesn't feel right to me, but my charge's counter was that she was not safe in the outside world because of her lack of communication, and obvious brain injury.
point-counterpoint.
oh, and did i mention she was mrsa+?
uh, yeah.
that news came in on saturday, in the middle of the night.
so not only do we have to keep her on the unit, we have to keep her in her room, and not let her touch anything...
rrriiiigghht.

monday morning i decided not to give her the haldol.
she was redirectable to an extent. she was exit-seeking, but willing to stay sitting on her bed. she was under the CA's watch.
she was o.k.
so i mentioned it to the charge, then i mentioned it to the RN covering during report and shift change. all was fine. all was good.
3 nights of craziness and i went home to sleep like a log.
fast forward to dinner time, where my man had come home from work wanting to take me out to eat.
i was on the phone with fido, so bob turns on the 6 o'clock news while he's waiting.

bob (poking me and pointing to the tv): uh, uh, hey babe?
me (finger over lips, mouthing): shhh. i'm on the phone
bob: but, um, hey...look
me (giving the angry eyes, mouthing shut up)...
bob: you might want to see this
at which point i turned to the tv to see a fuzzy security camera pic of my crazy lady (!!) exiting the hospital entrance in her gown, sunglasses, lei around her neck, purse slung on her shoulder...
me: holy crap! hang on (i yell to the poor fido rep)
bob: i kinda had a feeling that's who you were talking about
(note: even though i tell him random stuff, i still keep a certain standard of confidentiality...yes, yes, i do)
me: that's her! that's my girl! oh my god! what did they say? did they say when she escaped? what's the story?
bob: i don't know. i couldn't hear because someone was on the phone. (smart-ass -ed.)

i freaked out a little, thinking because i didn't give her the haldol that morning, she had escaped during the changeover when there is way less staff on the floor...but no, she left in the late morning, when the CA had let her walk out and not called security.
so she got free.
(they found her later in the afternoon, at a friend's house in the east end. how the taxi driver knew where to take her is beyond me. what does that say about our city's taxi drivers? wow)
i must say, i am so impressed by her determinism.
scary, but she is just so damn resilient.
it's amazing, really.

i have had her as a patient since then. just yesterday, in fact.
still as exit-seeking as ever.
on 1:1 constant observation.
even in 4 point leather lockable wrist restraints.
they discontinued the haldol, because really, what's the point? it didn't even work for her.

when i came in yesterday she only had one restraint on, her left wrist.
and she managed to contort out of it by mid-morning.
if you can believe it.
it didn't really surprise me.
security was called twice.
first time, we gave her ativan.
didn't work (surprise!)
second time, we held her down to put her in restraints.
and she cried.
and i almost did too.

dreaming of turkey weekend

can't wait to see this in a different colour...


overlooking Cache Lake, Algonquin Park