on constipation...
"you give it a push and it's pushed back at you"
(i laughed out loud...he didn't find it as amusing as i did)
4/17/09
pushing up tulips
it's 20˚ and sunny.
springtime always brings out the winter hibernators. (is that even a word? doesn't matter, because i am one)
my soundtrack changes with the change of seasons.
this morning, the only thing that could get me going on my run, and which i'm currently blasting is El-P.
i guess springtime should bring on the happy, smiley pop, but i'm not quite ready for that.
not until summer's here and i'm enjoying afternoons on the island.
springtime to me is raw energy, crass but clever lyrics, and pure passion.
~
Music to my ears: El-P - I'll Sleep When You're Dead
springtime always brings out the winter hibernators. (is that even a word? doesn't matter, because i am one)
my soundtrack changes with the change of seasons.
this morning, the only thing that could get me going on my run, and which i'm currently blasting is El-P.
i guess springtime should bring on the happy, smiley pop, but i'm not quite ready for that.
not until summer's here and i'm enjoying afternoons on the island.
springtime to me is raw energy, crass but clever lyrics, and pure passion.
~
Music to my ears: El-P - I'll Sleep When You're Dead
4/16/09
more thoughts over dishwashing
lately, thoughts of my family seem to make me upset.
it seems our values are so different.
at one time i was so proud to be the black sheep, so wanting to be removed from the ties that bind the family, just to have that independence.
just to break out of the traditional italian family mold.
don't get me wrong, even in my teens i was never bad or angry enough to want to disregard my italian heritage. i saw the value in that all the time. i made sure to keep up with the language that my nonna taught me as a child, and i faithfully visit my nonna on sundays...plus i love the food part of the tradition.
but being the oldest out of all my cousins, i definitely broke the ice (and took a certain self-imposed honour to that) for being the one who moved away at 19 to go to college, then never returned to live back home, favouring the city over the suburbs, getting a tattoo (or 3), moving in with my partner without getting married (living in sin!), and making it well known that i do not follow the catholic faith.
and now i look at my awesome sister (newly preggers!) and her husband in the 'burbs, living near my parents, and how close they all are, and how my mum will be closer to my sis when she's had the baby, and i feel a twinge of green.
and here's me, in the city, with no car, wondering why my mother doesn't know anything about me.
and it's not that i suddenly want that life.
that was what i was desperately trying to escape (and succeeded).
after years (stupid ones, in retrospect) of trying to distance myself, i feel myself suddenly wanting to reconnect with family, and expecting that they'll suddenly understand me?
we're different.
i've always been close to my sister and my mom, but there's a certain closeness that comes from being there all the time. living the same life. my sister is probably closer to her friends than to me.
and my mum and dad are enjoying their child-free life now--they are entitled to that, after raising me for 20 years.
and i sit here and wonder why our values are so different.
i get upset over my mom not really paying attention, or my sister and her husband not coming to see me play my first show.
i get frustrated that they always complain that the city is just so far away, not convenient to get to at all, and yet they come down all the time to see hockey and baseball games.
and to get them to come down for my birthday dinner was a fight as they wanted me to go there (me, who has no car, on my birthday). and then they did, we had a wonderful dinner, and they all feel as if they've done their part. they're good for a year.
but really, what can i expect?
i was the one who moved away, i was the one who pushed away.
i was the one who chose to grow my own values.
i can't expect them to be the same.
~
Music to my ears: Slint
it seems our values are so different.
at one time i was so proud to be the black sheep, so wanting to be removed from the ties that bind the family, just to have that independence.
just to break out of the traditional italian family mold.
don't get me wrong, even in my teens i was never bad or angry enough to want to disregard my italian heritage. i saw the value in that all the time. i made sure to keep up with the language that my nonna taught me as a child, and i faithfully visit my nonna on sundays...plus i love the food part of the tradition.
but being the oldest out of all my cousins, i definitely broke the ice (and took a certain self-imposed honour to that) for being the one who moved away at 19 to go to college, then never returned to live back home, favouring the city over the suburbs, getting a tattoo (or 3), moving in with my partner without getting married (living in sin!), and making it well known that i do not follow the catholic faith.
and now i look at my awesome sister (newly preggers!) and her husband in the 'burbs, living near my parents, and how close they all are, and how my mum will be closer to my sis when she's had the baby, and i feel a twinge of green.
and here's me, in the city, with no car, wondering why my mother doesn't know anything about me.
and it's not that i suddenly want that life.
that was what i was desperately trying to escape (and succeeded).
after years (stupid ones, in retrospect) of trying to distance myself, i feel myself suddenly wanting to reconnect with family, and expecting that they'll suddenly understand me?
we're different.
i've always been close to my sister and my mom, but there's a certain closeness that comes from being there all the time. living the same life. my sister is probably closer to her friends than to me.
and my mum and dad are enjoying their child-free life now--they are entitled to that, after raising me for 20 years.
and i sit here and wonder why our values are so different.
i get upset over my mom not really paying attention, or my sister and her husband not coming to see me play my first show.
i get frustrated that they always complain that the city is just so far away, not convenient to get to at all, and yet they come down all the time to see hockey and baseball games.
and to get them to come down for my birthday dinner was a fight as they wanted me to go there (me, who has no car, on my birthday). and then they did, we had a wonderful dinner, and they all feel as if they've done their part. they're good for a year.
but really, what can i expect?
i was the one who moved away, i was the one who pushed away.
i was the one who chose to grow my own values.
i can't expect them to be the same.
~
Music to my ears: Slint
inspiration for list-makin
this post on this blog i've been enjoying as of late got me thinking about a half-finished post i wrote almost 3 years ago
i can add a little to the things i've done but never got around to finishing the compilation of things i still want to do and see.
i know i had said it would take a while to compile, but seriously, 3 years?
i am now inspired to finish that list.
that is my goal now that school is over....which i can add to my list of things i've done:
- finished 4 years of nursing school
- floated the elora gorge in an inner tube (which was scary because i got stuck in an eddy, my tube capsized and i went over the rapids...got a little scraped, bruised and shaken up)
- travelled the irish loop on the avalon peninsula of newfoundland by bicycle
- travelled to italy (and soon turkey!)
- improved my bass playing and started a band
1st list...things to do:
1. make the list
i can add a little to the things i've done but never got around to finishing the compilation of things i still want to do and see.
i know i had said it would take a while to compile, but seriously, 3 years?
i am now inspired to finish that list.
that is my goal now that school is over....which i can add to my list of things i've done:
- finished 4 years of nursing school
- floated the elora gorge in an inner tube (which was scary because i got stuck in an eddy, my tube capsized and i went over the rapids...got a little scraped, bruised and shaken up)
- travelled the irish loop on the avalon peninsula of newfoundland by bicycle
- travelled to italy (and soon turkey!)
- improved my bass playing and started a band
1st list...things to do:
1. make the list
4/14/09
fearing the worst
all sorts of images fly through my head with amazing speed and no clarity.
i can't keep up.
i see myself in front of my new employer, teary-eyed, saying "how's this for an introduction?"
i see me standing on the mountain side in turkey, lost in thought, sunshine on my face, a cool breeze (can't help the cliche shots)
i've spent the last 5 years of my life getting healthy, mentally & physically.
i'm just finishing a degree in a profession i can finally be content in.
i quit smoking.
i eat crazy healthy that i sometimes wonder if i'll sprout babies since i can't have any
it can't be that bad.
but the thoughts won't stop until the doc says what he's got to say.
happiness -- at last -- please don't deny me that.
i can't keep up.
i see myself in front of my new employer, teary-eyed, saying "how's this for an introduction?"
i see me standing on the mountain side in turkey, lost in thought, sunshine on my face, a cool breeze (can't help the cliche shots)
i've spent the last 5 years of my life getting healthy, mentally & physically.
i'm just finishing a degree in a profession i can finally be content in.
i quit smoking.
i eat crazy healthy that i sometimes wonder if i'll sprout babies since i can't have any
it can't be that bad.
but the thoughts won't stop until the doc says what he's got to say.
happiness -- at last -- please don't deny me that.
4/11/09
missing the motherland
the view from the top of Monte della Rocca, in Roccacasale (my dad's hometown), in the region of Abruzzo. the town is a comune in the province of L'Aquila.
the city of L'Aquila, which just suffered a devastating earthquake, is the capital of the province of its own name and also the capital of the region of Abruzzo.
all these little towns are nestled in the Apennine mountain range and no doubt felt the quake.
my dad's cousins are the only ones we really know still in the area...and thankfully they are okay.
4/7/09
god is dead...and we have killed him
i don't want to just make the best of things.
i don't believe in passive acceptance.
i want to do the best i can to make things better.
as much as i can--even if it's not much.
that's my will to power.
~
Music to my ears: The Weakerthans
i don't believe in passive acceptance.
i want to do the best i can to make things better.
as much as i can--even if it's not much.
that's my will to power.
~
Music to my ears: The Weakerthans
3/24/09
recession conspiracy
recession keeps us in check.
we were starting to get out of control.
our values too loose, our ethics out of whack.
that's not allowed. there's no creativity allowed here.
what part don't you understand?
what part of freedom makes sense?
and while they scare us into submission, we allow them to grow stronger by mergers and breaking previous contracts of single ownership.
and the poor get poorer, and the cat gets fatter.
we may believe we're stickin it to the man, but bend over buddy, the man's stickin it to us.
and getting paid to do it.
~
Music to my ears: Secret Chiefs 3
we were starting to get out of control.
our values too loose, our ethics out of whack.
that's not allowed. there's no creativity allowed here.
what part don't you understand?
what part of freedom makes sense?
and while they scare us into submission, we allow them to grow stronger by mergers and breaking previous contracts of single ownership.
and the poor get poorer, and the cat gets fatter.
we may believe we're stickin it to the man, but bend over buddy, the man's stickin it to us.
and getting paid to do it.
~
Music to my ears: Secret Chiefs 3
the shroud of turin
it's almost over.
some days--weeks--have been an exercise in boredom and little sleep.
at one point i found myself looking for jesus in the back of my eyelids...admittedly (and thankfully) that hasn't been the highlight of this journey.
it's all coming to fruition soon as i have accepted the job of my choice.
i refuse to talk about the recession right now, but i am proud of my persistence in securing a job before i have officially graduated.
now i just have to pass that dang exam.
but not before trekking around turkey with my soulmate.
i can't wait for the days that my days off are actually days off.
until then, i continue to survive on way less sleep than i need.
~
Music to my ears: slow.news.day
some days--weeks--have been an exercise in boredom and little sleep.
at one point i found myself looking for jesus in the back of my eyelids...admittedly (and thankfully) that hasn't been the highlight of this journey.
it's all coming to fruition soon as i have accepted the job of my choice.
i refuse to talk about the recession right now, but i am proud of my persistence in securing a job before i have officially graduated.
now i just have to pass that dang exam.
but not before trekking around turkey with my soulmate.
i can't wait for the days that my days off are actually days off.
until then, i continue to survive on way less sleep than i need.
~
Music to my ears: slow.news.day
3/3/09
the man with the corduroy coat
there he is again.
that man with the practiced smile full of gleaming white teeth.
the starbright twinkle of money on his incisor.
the tan in the dead of winter. (not the tan in a can, but the tan that screams perpetual vacation--somewhere with a golf course--I think they have that setting on the tanning beds at the expensive place.)
the trench coat folded strategically over the left arm, the extra bold tie with the sharp dark suit.
such a contrast to the man with the corduroy coat who smells of old spice and beef brisket stew.
~
Music to my ears: Women in Tragedy
that man with the practiced smile full of gleaming white teeth.
the starbright twinkle of money on his incisor.
the tan in the dead of winter. (not the tan in a can, but the tan that screams perpetual vacation--somewhere with a golf course--I think they have that setting on the tanning beds at the expensive place.)
the trench coat folded strategically over the left arm, the extra bold tie with the sharp dark suit.
such a contrast to the man with the corduroy coat who smells of old spice and beef brisket stew.
~
Music to my ears: Women in Tragedy
3/1/09
money=health
it's hard to see well-to-do families watch their family members become crippled by old age and extended hospital stays--as if they've never before been devastated by a tragedy.
so far removed from what it's like to have sick family members.
the ability to be healthy comes easier with money.
~
Music for a Sunday morning: talkdemonic - beat romantic
so far removed from what it's like to have sick family members.
the ability to be healthy comes easier with money.
~
Music for a Sunday morning: talkdemonic - beat romantic
2/10/09
the bacterial resistance
so it's the year 2009 and we have these crazy high rates of infection circa the early 1900s.
and the rates are increasing.
is this the evolution of bacteria or viruses?
half of me wants to say yes, absolutely. those little buggers are mutating and becoming resistant.
but maybe it's more our problem...our fault.
maybe we have become so concerned with mastering the high tech issues to keep people alive longer that we have lapsed in basic infection control.
maybe because hospitals are more open to the public, it's easier for the germs to spread.
(i mean, have you seen hospitals lately? they're like shopping malls.)
MRSA used to be confined to the ICU. then it spread around to other units in hospitals.
now we're finding MRSA out in the community.
just sayin.
~
Music to my ears: Las Venus
and the rates are increasing.
is this the evolution of bacteria or viruses?
half of me wants to say yes, absolutely. those little buggers are mutating and becoming resistant.
but maybe it's more our problem...our fault.
maybe we have become so concerned with mastering the high tech issues to keep people alive longer that we have lapsed in basic infection control.
maybe because hospitals are more open to the public, it's easier for the germs to spread.
(i mean, have you seen hospitals lately? they're like shopping malls.)
MRSA used to be confined to the ICU. then it spread around to other units in hospitals.
now we're finding MRSA out in the community.
just sayin.
~
Music to my ears: Las Venus
1/26/09
a monologue by my nonna
Ah mamma mia.
Death won’t come to me.
I’m ready.
And instead I’m suffering.
Why won’t it come?
I could be with my husband. My mother.
Mamma mia.
It’s not coming my way. It’s not coming for nothing.
Because what I have it doesn’t want. I have nothing for it.
It’s right here and it doesn’t want me.
Mamma mia.
I can’t do it anymore. I’m done.
I’m ready and it goes away.
Ah mamma mia.
When I see my mother again I’m going to get mad at her.
I’m going to say “why didn’t you come for me?”
Mamma mia.
I have to go home. I’ll pay a good price for it not to pass over me again.
Look here (pointing).
It’s here.
(translated into English by me --m.)
~
Music to my ears: Clint Mansell - The Fountain OST
Death won’t come to me.
I’m ready.
And instead I’m suffering.
Why won’t it come?
I could be with my husband. My mother.
Mamma mia.
It’s not coming my way. It’s not coming for nothing.
Because what I have it doesn’t want. I have nothing for it.
It’s right here and it doesn’t want me.
Mamma mia.
I can’t do it anymore. I’m done.
I’m ready and it goes away.
Ah mamma mia.
When I see my mother again I’m going to get mad at her.
I’m going to say “why didn’t you come for me?”
Mamma mia.
I have to go home. I’ll pay a good price for it not to pass over me again.
Look here (pointing).
It’s here.
(translated into English by me --m.)
~
Music to my ears: Clint Mansell - The Fountain OST
1/21/09
to my sister
happy birthday lil sis.
~
music to my ears after a long day: hum - you'd prefer an astronaut
~
music to my ears after a long day: hum - you'd prefer an astronaut
1/20/09
1/18/09
conversations in a hospital #7
yesterday i was called in on a "how fast can you get here?" kinda call.
those ones always worry me, but also intrigue me in some twisted way.
i'm always expecting someone completely off the rails confused, or ripping tubes out of various orifices.
when i got to the floor, the clerk directed me to the pt's room. it was in the step-down unit.
step-down means the step between a critical care unit, like the ICU, and the actual unit they will end up on. usually it is a separate room on the same med/surg unit...but the ratio of RNs to pts is 1:2.
so immediately i thought i was in for a long day. it's very rarely we get called to be constant care for patients who pretty much have constant care from RNs.
this didn't end up being the case.
i spent the day with a wonderfully funny man, who was frustrated and did want to leave, but who wouldn't?
i later found out from his wife that the medication had made him really confused as everything he told me about all the money and land he had was not at all true.
he pulled it off pretty good though, i must say.
i thought he was joking when he kept asking me what other information i needed for the book i was writing on him. but it kept him talking.
and in between the confusion were nuggets of truth, wisdom and hilarity:
on being in a hospital gown:
"be careful in here. let 'em get a hold of your pants and you'll never see 'em again. i took my pants off over a month ago and haven't seen them since!"
speaking of foley catheters:
"you lose a lot in here. all i can do is lie here with a damn tube pullin on my bird"
on love & marriage:
"it's all whistles and bells until you have your first fight--then you're sitting there wondering "what's going on? we don't fight". then 10 mins later it's all forgotten about"
~
Music for a sunday morning: The Twilight Singers
those ones always worry me, but also intrigue me in some twisted way.
i'm always expecting someone completely off the rails confused, or ripping tubes out of various orifices.
when i got to the floor, the clerk directed me to the pt's room. it was in the step-down unit.
step-down means the step between a critical care unit, like the ICU, and the actual unit they will end up on. usually it is a separate room on the same med/surg unit...but the ratio of RNs to pts is 1:2.
so immediately i thought i was in for a long day. it's very rarely we get called to be constant care for patients who pretty much have constant care from RNs.
this didn't end up being the case.
i spent the day with a wonderfully funny man, who was frustrated and did want to leave, but who wouldn't?
i later found out from his wife that the medication had made him really confused as everything he told me about all the money and land he had was not at all true.
he pulled it off pretty good though, i must say.
i thought he was joking when he kept asking me what other information i needed for the book i was writing on him. but it kept him talking.
and in between the confusion were nuggets of truth, wisdom and hilarity:
on being in a hospital gown:
"be careful in here. let 'em get a hold of your pants and you'll never see 'em again. i took my pants off over a month ago and haven't seen them since!"
speaking of foley catheters:
"you lose a lot in here. all i can do is lie here with a damn tube pullin on my bird"
on love & marriage:
"it's all whistles and bells until you have your first fight--then you're sitting there wondering "what's going on? we don't fight". then 10 mins later it's all forgotten about"
~
Music for a sunday morning: The Twilight Singers
1/13/09
a return to the old...with a new me?
often when i'm standing in front of the sink washing dishes my mind wanders.
i don't know if it's the soothing feel of bubbles, or running water, but it's the only place where when my mind wanders it doesn't automatically wander to thoughts of school and stress and job stuff. it wanders to random thoughts, plucked from somewhere deep within my hippocampus...with some frontal lobe grey matter thrown in to add some emotion to the mix.
today i started to wonder if, as we get older, our parents know less and less about us.
okay, i was wondering about my mother is specifically.
i have not lived with my parents in about a decade or slightly more and i think of how much i feel i have changed during my tumultuous 20s (which is how, when i look back, i will forever fondly remember them as...has a nice ring to it, with a certain truthfulness...)
i mean, i talk to my mother almost on a daily basis, but often i think she's not listening to me...pre-occupied with some other task or thought...i often use the good ol' alien-baby-arm-fell-off trick--and surprisingly, it often works. so maybe she just hasn't been listening to me...i mean, really listening.
but then i think maybe my core hasn't changed so much...and so what if she's not interested in my recent endeavours? i'm just being a child--she's probably one of the only ones (along with my sis) who really knows me...just me.
~
Music to my ears: Baroness - red album
i don't know if it's the soothing feel of bubbles, or running water, but it's the only place where when my mind wanders it doesn't automatically wander to thoughts of school and stress and job stuff. it wanders to random thoughts, plucked from somewhere deep within my hippocampus...with some frontal lobe grey matter thrown in to add some emotion to the mix.
today i started to wonder if, as we get older, our parents know less and less about us.
okay, i was wondering about my mother is specifically.
i have not lived with my parents in about a decade or slightly more and i think of how much i feel i have changed during my tumultuous 20s (which is how, when i look back, i will forever fondly remember them as...has a nice ring to it, with a certain truthfulness...)
i mean, i talk to my mother almost on a daily basis, but often i think she's not listening to me...pre-occupied with some other task or thought...i often use the good ol' alien-baby-arm-fell-off trick--and surprisingly, it often works. so maybe she just hasn't been listening to me...i mean, really listening.
but then i think maybe my core hasn't changed so much...and so what if she's not interested in my recent endeavours? i'm just being a child--she's probably one of the only ones (along with my sis) who really knows me...just me.
~
Music to my ears: Baroness - red album
1/7/09
conversations in a hospital #6
i had the pleasure of spending my 12 hr shift today with a wonderfully funny older gentleman, who (sadly) suffers from severe copd and leukemia.
he is waiting for a place in palliative care.
in talking about stay at home moms (his daughter is one) he says:
"i think that's the way it should be. call me old-fashioned or traditional but a child needs their mother...at least for the formative years...every animal learns from its parents. if a baby fox was raised by a wolf, it wouldn't be a fox."
he also gave me one of the nicest compliments i've ever received:
"i wish i was going to be around when you're finally a nurse...you're going to be a great one. i'm sure of it."
(thanks mr. w...you will surely be missed)
he is waiting for a place in palliative care.
in talking about stay at home moms (his daughter is one) he says:
"i think that's the way it should be. call me old-fashioned or traditional but a child needs their mother...at least for the formative years...every animal learns from its parents. if a baby fox was raised by a wolf, it wouldn't be a fox."
he also gave me one of the nicest compliments i've ever received:
"i wish i was going to be around when you're finally a nurse...you're going to be a great one. i'm sure of it."
(thanks mr. w...you will surely be missed)
1/4/09
random writings on an old bookmark
22 American soldiers in Iraq committed suicide in 2005
Teen in Texas bitten by bat in his sleep, dies of rabies
i don't speak--you don't need to when society speaks for you.
mind-reading is highly overrated.
i talked to a hippie on the streetcar today.
"my that's a good book you're reading", i said.
and he shook his beard in agreement, like a horse's mane, and 3 sparrows flew out to perch on my coffee mug.
pointless thinking is worse than no thinking at all.
Teen in Texas bitten by bat in his sleep, dies of rabies
i don't speak--you don't need to when society speaks for you.
mind-reading is highly overrated.
i talked to a hippie on the streetcar today.
"my that's a good book you're reading", i said.
and he shook his beard in agreement, like a horse's mane, and 3 sparrows flew out to perch on my coffee mug.
pointless thinking is worse than no thinking at all.
1/2/09
happy 2009
best shows* that i saw in 2008:
1. saul williams @ the mod club
2. dub trio @ the el mocambo
3. baroness with bison b.c. @ lee's palace
4. slow.news.day @ rancho relaxo
5. battles @ lee's palace
6. tortoise @ the mod club
7. the reverend horton heat @ the mod club
honourable mentions†:
1. mogwai @ the phoenix
2. the gutter twins @ the mod club
3. the weakerthans @ nathan phillips square
*judged on the ability of the band to make me leave the show and proclaim "holy hell, that was f***ing awesome!" to anyone who would listen.
†bands made the honourable mention spot by either being one of my favourite bands to see live (ie/they always put on a good show it just didn't make me proclaim "holy hell, that was f***ing awesome!" to anyone who would listen) OR by containing musicians that i was super excited to see live (as is the case with the gutter twins' mark lanegan and greg dulli)
1. saul williams @ the mod club
2. dub trio @ the el mocambo
3. baroness with bison b.c. @ lee's palace
4. slow.news.day @ rancho relaxo
5. battles @ lee's palace
6. tortoise @ the mod club
7. the reverend horton heat @ the mod club
honourable mentions†:
1. mogwai @ the phoenix
2. the gutter twins @ the mod club
3. the weakerthans @ nathan phillips square
*judged on the ability of the band to make me leave the show and proclaim "holy hell, that was f***ing awesome!" to anyone who would listen.
†bands made the honourable mention spot by either being one of my favourite bands to see live (ie/they always put on a good show it just didn't make me proclaim "holy hell, that was f***ing awesome!" to anyone who would listen) OR by containing musicians that i was super excited to see live (as is the case with the gutter twins' mark lanegan and greg dulli)
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