why do i get this feeling that there is something you're not telling me?
why do i have thoughts in my head that are so creative and compelling and yet my fingers can't seem to get them out right?
the story i've created about your little secret involves forbidden intimacy between friends, perhaps being found out by another friend, a mental breakdown, a break between two former lovers, an ultimatum between two friends which involves not wanting to hurt me, and so the band breaks?
for now a truce has been made, but how long can you survive this little game?
how long can your devastating secret lie dormant?
two people want to tell me and you won't let them.
you're more powerful than i thought.
~
Music to my ears: Nadja
4/28/08
holden was my hero
moving means purging. especially moving to a place half the size of the previous, with double the books. it's time for my duplicate copy of The Catcher in the Rye to move on.
before it goes, a collection of underlined passages and dog-eared pages...
p. 87 - I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
p. 92 - The thing is, most of the time when you're coming pretty close to doing it with a girl--a girl that isn't a prostitute or anything, I mean--she keeps telling you to stop. The trouble with me is, I stop. Most guys don't. I can't help it. You never know whether they really want you to stop, or whether they're just scared as hell, or whether they're just telling you to stop so that if you do go through with it, the blame'll be on you, not them. Anyway, I keep stopping.
p.110 - (can't remember why i ever dog-eared this page, here's a guess) All the two of them were eating for breakfast was toast and coffee. That depressed me. I hate it if I'm eating bacon and eggs or something and somebody else is only eating toast and coffee.
p. 121 - Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you.
p. 123 - (a funny page about how boring most guys are)
p. 125 - (can't remember why this page was dog-eared)
p. 130-131 - (these 2 pages always made me sad because here was Holden saying that he hated things that most people are into and was only sticking around because of this girl and clearly she doesn't give a shit, and he realizes that she's just one of those people he hates) "Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddamn horse. A horse is at least oldhuman, for God's sake. A horse you can at least--"
"I don't know what you're even talking about," old Sally said.
p. 139 - The part that got me was, there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddamn picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a goddamn wolf. You take somebody that cries their goddamn eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding.
p. 141 - (not sure whether I dog-eared this page because of the reference to The Great Gatsby or because of Holden saying he's glad the atomic bomb was invented)
p. 148-149 - (i think i just liked this whole conversation between Holden and Luce. it always seemed that whoever he actually did reach out to, didn't give a shit) "I can never get really sexy--I mean really sexy--with a girl I don't like a lot. I mean I have to like her a lot. If I don't, I sort of lose my goddamn desire for her and all. Boy, it really screws up my sex life something awful. My sex life stinks."
p. 158 - (?? maybe Holden sneaking around drunk made me laugh?)
p. 172-173 - (i love how he speaks of his little sister Phoebe. i think siblings, little sisters in particular, are the best at listening because family always knows who you really are)"...People never think anything is anything really. I'm getting goddam [sic] sick of it."
If somebody at least listens, it's not too bad.
p. 183 - (i think this dog-ear had to do with Holden saying how much more interesting it was when someone digressed as opposed to always sticking to the point)
p. 185 - "...I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice...I mean, he'd keep telling you to unify and simplify all the time. Some things you just can't do that to. I mean you can't hardly ever simplify and unify something just because somebody wants you to..."
p. 188-189 - (again, no idea what i was thinking of at the time)
p. 196 - The thing is, if you get very depressed about something, it's hard as hell to swallow.
p. 197-199 - (i liked this part because Holden's having a great time with Phoebe and then has an anxiety attack when he realizes there's no stopping the evil in the world)
p. 201 - (i think i loved that Holden gets seriously pissed at whoever wrote fuck you on the wall of his sister's school. i think i loved that he gets so passionate about how kids might see it and then get twisted ideas of what it means. it was touching.)
p. 204 - I was the only one left in the tomb then. I sort of liked it, in a way. It was so nice and peaceful. Then, all of a sudden, you'd never guess what I saw on the wall. Another "Fuck you." It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of the wall, under the stones. That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
p. 207 & p. 211 - (not sure why I dog-eared these pages...maybe the touching brother-sister conversation?)
p. 213 - I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know?
p. 214 - (last lines) Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
I read that book four times. four times. and each time i was looking for something, anything. once for something that related to my troubled and over thinking teen years (just like Holden my hero)...maybe once in the search for a god...around the time i took a foray into the born again christian world...the search for bits of genius in '90s punk music, where every Pennywise lyric was written for me and my friends.
the search for inspiration in J.D. Salinger. being able to find meaning in his simplicity.
Holden Caulfield. i felt his pain. his indifference. his constant questioning.
the 4th and final time i read that book i knew our love affair was finally over.
before it goes, a collection of underlined passages and dog-eared pages...
p. 87 - I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
p. 92 - The thing is, most of the time when you're coming pretty close to doing it with a girl--a girl that isn't a prostitute or anything, I mean--she keeps telling you to stop. The trouble with me is, I stop. Most guys don't. I can't help it. You never know whether they really want you to stop, or whether they're just scared as hell, or whether they're just telling you to stop so that if you do go through with it, the blame'll be on you, not them. Anyway, I keep stopping.
p.110 - (can't remember why i ever dog-eared this page, here's a guess) All the two of them were eating for breakfast was toast and coffee. That depressed me. I hate it if I'm eating bacon and eggs or something and somebody else is only eating toast and coffee.
p. 121 - Nobody'd be different. The only thing that would be different would be you.
p. 123 - (a funny page about how boring most guys are)
p. 125 - (can't remember why this page was dog-eared)
p. 130-131 - (these 2 pages always made me sad because here was Holden saying that he hated things that most people are into and was only sticking around because of this girl and clearly she doesn't give a shit, and he realizes that she's just one of those people he hates) "Take most people, they're crazy about cars. They worry if they get a little scratch on them, and they're always talking about how many miles they get to a gallon, and if they get a brand-new car already they start thinking about trading it in for one that's even newer. I don't even like cars. I mean they don't even interest me. I'd rather have a goddamn horse. A horse is at least oldhuman, for God's sake. A horse you can at least--"
"I don't know what you're even talking about," old Sally said.
p. 139 - The part that got me was, there was a lady sitting next to me that cried all through the goddamn picture. The phonier it got, the more she cried. You'd have thought she did it because she was kindhearted as hell but I was sitting right next to her, and she wasn't. She had this little kid with her that was bored as hell and had to go to the bathroom, but she wouldn't take him. She kept telling him to sit still and behave himself. She was about as kindhearted as a goddamn wolf. You take somebody that cries their goddamn eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they're mean bastards at heart. I'm not kidding.
p. 141 - (not sure whether I dog-eared this page because of the reference to The Great Gatsby or because of Holden saying he's glad the atomic bomb was invented)
p. 148-149 - (i think i just liked this whole conversation between Holden and Luce. it always seemed that whoever he actually did reach out to, didn't give a shit) "I can never get really sexy--I mean really sexy--with a girl I don't like a lot. I mean I have to like her a lot. If I don't, I sort of lose my goddamn desire for her and all. Boy, it really screws up my sex life something awful. My sex life stinks."
p. 158 - (?? maybe Holden sneaking around drunk made me laugh?)
p. 172-173 - (i love how he speaks of his little sister Phoebe. i think siblings, little sisters in particular, are the best at listening because family always knows who you really are)"...People never think anything is anything really. I'm getting goddam [sic] sick of it."
If somebody at least listens, it's not too bad.
p. 183 - (i think this dog-ear had to do with Holden saying how much more interesting it was when someone digressed as opposed to always sticking to the point)
p. 185 - "...I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice...I mean, he'd keep telling you to unify and simplify all the time. Some things you just can't do that to. I mean you can't hardly ever simplify and unify something just because somebody wants you to..."
p. 188-189 - (again, no idea what i was thinking of at the time)
p. 196 - The thing is, if you get very depressed about something, it's hard as hell to swallow.
p. 197-199 - (i liked this part because Holden's having a great time with Phoebe and then has an anxiety attack when he realizes there's no stopping the evil in the world)
p. 201 - (i think i loved that Holden gets seriously pissed at whoever wrote fuck you on the wall of his sister's school. i think i loved that he gets so passionate about how kids might see it and then get twisted ideas of what it means. it was touching.)
p. 204 - I was the only one left in the tomb then. I sort of liked it, in a way. It was so nice and peaceful. Then, all of a sudden, you'd never guess what I saw on the wall. Another "Fuck you." It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of the wall, under the stones. That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
p. 207 & p. 211 - (not sure why I dog-eared these pages...maybe the touching brother-sister conversation?)
p. 213 - I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know?
p. 214 - (last lines) Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
I read that book four times. four times. and each time i was looking for something, anything. once for something that related to my troubled and over thinking teen years (just like Holden my hero)...maybe once in the search for a god...around the time i took a foray into the born again christian world...the search for bits of genius in '90s punk music, where every Pennywise lyric was written for me and my friends.
the search for inspiration in J.D. Salinger. being able to find meaning in his simplicity.
Holden Caulfield. i felt his pain. his indifference. his constant questioning.
the 4th and final time i read that book i knew our love affair was finally over.
4/20/08
4/15/08
a long day post-concert
saul williams is my hero.
one of the best shows i've seen in a long time.
so glad i didn't miss it, despite having an 8am exam today, followed by a seminar in the west end of the city, back to tutor in the east end, then up north to a dentist appt...i have bike bum and i'm tired as hell...
but at least i got to see saul williams in full concept mode glory.
~
Music to my ears: CX Kidtronik - Krak Attack
one of the best shows i've seen in a long time.
so glad i didn't miss it, despite having an 8am exam today, followed by a seminar in the west end of the city, back to tutor in the east end, then up north to a dentist appt...i have bike bum and i'm tired as hell...
but at least i got to see saul williams in full concept mode glory.
~
Music to my ears: CX Kidtronik - Krak Attack
4/7/08
music and the mood of a society
this conversation has come up again. first with jon. then with john.
does the music of this decade reflect society's mood or does the mood of the society affect the kind of music being made?
this thought came to mind as i've been working more with addictions and mental health and have noticed the recent (last few years) trend back to cocaine...(and especially crack! maybe because people are poorer? that's a different rant altogether...)
cocaine is a stimulant and usually people self-medicate accordingly...if a whole society has been depressed as of late, why not increase your dopamine response? makes logical sense.
of course, i've also been reading recent literature stating that alcohol is the new weed.
which would make sense with the cocaine spike because alcohol is a depressant.
so whether society is just depressed as a result of the state of the world or whether depression is a result of the increase in alcohol use, music is being affected.
in the last decade the music has been full of depressing emo-type tunes.
or crappy disco pop music (all the "the" bands...c'mon, let's be real. it IS disco). this is the '80s revisited. shitty disco with blow. it all makes sense.
what happened to the acid? the weed? the psychadelics that spawned a generation of guitar riffs and experimental instrumental bands. (don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of awesome instrumental bands out there! but rock, punk, anything remotely revolutionary just isn't in the mainstream. and where is all the good, politically-driven, intelligent rap/hip hop?).
john says the recent meth bust with the hell's angels in BC (he's from victoria) had an impact with the decline of meth and meth-related drugs (ie: K), therefore increasing the use of cocaine. that it's all about drugs and the economy. and this in turn affects the music. we are a culture run by drugs and money. money and drugs.
jon says it's like the chicken or the egg debate. maybe the music is influencing the mood? after all, the music that is popular right now has been emerging for the last decade or so. maybe all this shitty music has made society depressed?
i'm hoping that there's a musical revolution coming soon.
(maybe spawned by the impending collapse of the economy? once again, another rant, another time.)
the societal revolution this time is environmental. finally.
it took this long for "green" to be the new in thing.
it's about time the mainstream took hold of the environment as an issue to capitalize on.
maybe this will bring about a change in music. and mood. or mood. and music.
~
Food for thought: What is the What - Dave Eggers
In reality: have gender roles become so ingrained in us that they've become part of the evolutionary process? does this mean as they're trying to be broken down, it'll take another 100 years before new gender roles are ingrained into the evolutionary process?
does the music of this decade reflect society's mood or does the mood of the society affect the kind of music being made?
this thought came to mind as i've been working more with addictions and mental health and have noticed the recent (last few years) trend back to cocaine...(and especially crack! maybe because people are poorer? that's a different rant altogether...)
cocaine is a stimulant and usually people self-medicate accordingly...if a whole society has been depressed as of late, why not increase your dopamine response? makes logical sense.
of course, i've also been reading recent literature stating that alcohol is the new weed.
which would make sense with the cocaine spike because alcohol is a depressant.
so whether society is just depressed as a result of the state of the world or whether depression is a result of the increase in alcohol use, music is being affected.
in the last decade the music has been full of depressing emo-type tunes.
or crappy disco pop music (all the "the" bands...c'mon, let's be real. it IS disco). this is the '80s revisited. shitty disco with blow. it all makes sense.
what happened to the acid? the weed? the psychadelics that spawned a generation of guitar riffs and experimental instrumental bands. (don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of awesome instrumental bands out there! but rock, punk, anything remotely revolutionary just isn't in the mainstream. and where is all the good, politically-driven, intelligent rap/hip hop?).
john says the recent meth bust with the hell's angels in BC (he's from victoria) had an impact with the decline of meth and meth-related drugs (ie: K), therefore increasing the use of cocaine. that it's all about drugs and the economy. and this in turn affects the music. we are a culture run by drugs and money. money and drugs.
jon says it's like the chicken or the egg debate. maybe the music is influencing the mood? after all, the music that is popular right now has been emerging for the last decade or so. maybe all this shitty music has made society depressed?
i'm hoping that there's a musical revolution coming soon.
(maybe spawned by the impending collapse of the economy? once again, another rant, another time.)
the societal revolution this time is environmental. finally.
it took this long for "green" to be the new in thing.
it's about time the mainstream took hold of the environment as an issue to capitalize on.
maybe this will bring about a change in music. and mood. or mood. and music.
~
Food for thought: What is the What - Dave Eggers
In reality: have gender roles become so ingrained in us that they've become part of the evolutionary process? does this mean as they're trying to be broken down, it'll take another 100 years before new gender roles are ingrained into the evolutionary process?
4/2/08
will the true disassociator please stand up?
i've decided to diagnose my best friend with narcissistic personality disorder.
she's always told me that she's got such a high self-esteem, such a heightened self-confidence.
so much so that i used to be jealous of that ability to regard oneself so highly.
often wished it upon myself.
but then we moved in together and certain behaviours got me thinking.
and lately she just won't talk to me, and i was blaming myself, thinking i had done something wrong (clearly i'm at the other end of the narcissistic pole).
but then i realized the differences between self-esteem and egotism.
the difference is that with NPD you're prone to aggressive outbursts, especially when things don't go your way.
the difference is the complete and utter lack of empathy.
the difference is the arrogance, which although was visible pre-living together, i was not able to see just how much admiration was necessary...or required.
i love her to death, but maybe i can stop blaming myself for something that i have no idea if i've done.
~
Music to my ears: Atmosphere - Overcast!
she's always told me that she's got such a high self-esteem, such a heightened self-confidence.
so much so that i used to be jealous of that ability to regard oneself so highly.
often wished it upon myself.
but then we moved in together and certain behaviours got me thinking.
and lately she just won't talk to me, and i was blaming myself, thinking i had done something wrong (clearly i'm at the other end of the narcissistic pole).
but then i realized the differences between self-esteem and egotism.
the difference is that with NPD you're prone to aggressive outbursts, especially when things don't go your way.
the difference is the complete and utter lack of empathy.
the difference is the arrogance, which although was visible pre-living together, i was not able to see just how much admiration was necessary...or required.
i love her to death, but maybe i can stop blaming myself for something that i have no idea if i've done.
~
Music to my ears: Atmosphere - Overcast!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
