conversations with T

bob and i often find ourselves walking around a book store after a dinner out.
yes, our dates end with book shopping...we are serious nerds.
bob saw me take an interest in this book, that he promptly bought for me as Book City was closing its lights for the night.

i told T this and added "do you think he thinks i have an eating disorder?"
"do you?" was her reply

it made me think.
i've never been anorexic (love food way too much)
i've never had the guts (so to speak) to purge, so bulimia is not a label for me.
but i do binge eat.
probably emotional. usually anger. most often because i get so frustrated that i care so much about what i eat.
because i get so frustrated that the whole idea of "healthy" eating and body image consumes my thoughts.
and then i eat to say "fuck it!"
does that even make sense?

i have an unhealthy relationship with food, and yet, on a whole, i eat really, really "healthy".
but i don't always want to.
and when i don't i feel guilt. horrible, horrible guilt. and i don't want to do that either.
and that gets me so angry.
it's a vicious cycle.

unfortunately, binge eating disorder isn't really classified as a disorder in the DSM-IV without the purge to go along with it.
so does this count?
the author of the book so far is arguing that yes, these unhealthy relationships with eating and self-image are forms of eating disorders that largely go unnoticed--and they affect much older women than the public thinks "classic" eating disorders usually affect, like teen girls.
but these days, doesn't that mean that every woman would have some sort of eating disorder?
our society is so caught up in dieting and thinness that i feel no woman can escape this.
and it's makes me angry because i never used to be like this.

i used to be 30 lbs heavier...and happier (once i left the house and didn't have to listen to my dad's unhealthy "teasing" anymore)
it took some menstruation and hormone issues and one trip to an endocrinologist to finally see that i wasn't at a "healthy" weight...so i began to eat better, bought a bike, started training in karate...
but then i ran a marathon, got really thin and the issues started.
to put weight back on seems like the biggest issue in the world and i hate that.
i never cared about body image, i never cared for falling in with societal norms...i only always wanted to be happy and healthy...but by what definition? it seems so muddled now.
so it is SO goddamn annoying for this to be in my thoughts and contributing to me being unhappy with myself.
it seems so complicated.
and i just want to be able to celebrate the fact that with a 15lb weight gain i also quit smoking, finished 4 years of university, and have more time to hang out and have a beer and nachos with my man.
the obsession has to stop.

~
In reality (and related news): the effects of our surroundings on body weight