today is the first day of the rest of my life...or something like that

this is it. this is the day. i have been smoke-free for 1/2 a day now. it's gonna work this time. i've been clearing my apartment of all evidence that smokers lived here. the ashtrays are washed out, the nicotine stains have been windex-ed off the tv and glass surfaces, the dust is about to be vaccuumed off the floor--although the clumps of cat hair under the bed will never go away.

i was talking to my friend cathy on sunday and i told her my plan.
"tuesday is the day. it's attempt #7, and maybe it's my lucky number. no, it is my lucky number. this is it, for real this time."
and she said, "oh lordy...dude, why did we ever start?" (yes, she actually talks like that; she's great)
but i can't think about why anymore. that was so very long ago. i don't want to regret that decision anymore. i've had some great smoking years. really. 14 years, to be exact. it got me through those turbulent & depressive coming-of-age years. it was great after sex. jon and i chain-smoked on road trips to wonderful places while drinking gas station coffee at 3 am (which by the way is a recipe for some serious gut rot). sitting in a smoky pub in belfast last year wouldn't have been the same without contributing to the eye-watering haze.
i ran a marathon and got my black belt in karate while being a smoker. seriously.

i've quit before, but only half-assedly (is that a word? it is now). you know, the pack in the freezer "just in case"...or "jon, let's just share one, okay? it's not really like smoking."
this time the pack is in the garbage. i've got my supplies: gum (spearment & nicorette), bottles of water, books, the patch (if it comes down to it), ibuprofen, toothpicks, kleenex (i start to get overly emotional--really, it's quite ridiculous. look at me the wrong way and i'm apt to start bawling). i just wish i didn't have to work or go to school, and i could just hole away. because my strategy this time is lying in bed and going through the full junkie withdrawal. i can't go out (especially for a drink) and i don't want to talk to anybody. atleast for the first 3 days.

my motivation is this: i don't want to be a smoking nurse. (of course jon says "oh you'll be a smokin' nurse!" heh, he's funny). but i don't want to be a smoking nurse. it just doesn't make sense. it has always gone against everything i care about. the environment, stickin it to the man, blah blah. you know, important stuff. my own health. and the time is now. my dream of typing away furiously in a smoky study overlooking the water somewhere up north...with an ashtray full of butts...isn't so sexy anymore.

i think i've finally made it past the "i like smoking" bit. i will miss it, but i'm seriously over it this time. of course, talk to me tomorrow. when i'm begging for your half-smoked cig, say no. please.

Music to my ears: silence
Words to live by: "Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." ~Mark Twain

In reality: why are things like this still going on? it saddens me.