more thoughts over dishwashing

lately, thoughts of my family seem to make me upset.
it seems our values are so different.
at one time i was so proud to be the black sheep, so wanting to be removed from the ties that bind the family, just to have that independence.
just to break out of the traditional italian family mold.
don't get me wrong, even in my teens i was never bad or angry enough to want to disregard my italian heritage. i saw the value in that all the time. i made sure to keep up with the language that my nonna taught me as a child, and i faithfully visit my nonna on sundays...plus i love the food part of the tradition.
but being the oldest out of all my cousins, i definitely broke the ice (and took a certain self-imposed honour to that) for being the one who moved away at 19 to go to college, then never returned to live back home, favouring the city over the suburbs, getting a tattoo (or 3), moving in with my partner without getting married (living in sin!), and making it well known that i do not follow the catholic faith.
and now i look at my awesome sister (newly preggers!) and her husband in the 'burbs, living near my parents, and how close they all are, and how my mum will be closer to my sis when she's had the baby, and i feel a twinge of green.
and here's me, in the city, with no car, wondering why my mother doesn't know anything about me.
and it's not that i suddenly want that life.
that was what i was desperately trying to escape (and succeeded).
after years (stupid ones, in retrospect) of trying to distance myself, i feel myself suddenly wanting to reconnect with family, and expecting that they'll suddenly understand me?
we're different.
i've always been close to my sister and my mom, but there's a certain closeness that comes from being there all the time. living the same life. my sister is probably closer to her friends than to me.
and my mum and dad are enjoying their child-free life now--they are entitled to that, after raising me for 20 years.
and i sit here and wonder why our values are so different.
i get upset over my mom not really paying attention, or my sister and her husband not coming to see me play my first show.
i get frustrated that they always complain that the city is just so far away, not convenient to get to at all, and yet they come down all the time to see hockey and baseball games.
and to get them to come down for my birthday dinner was a fight as they wanted me to go there (me, who has no car, on my birthday). and then they did, we had a wonderful dinner, and they all feel as if they've done their part. they're good for a year.
but really, what can i expect?
i was the one who moved away, i was the one who pushed away.
i was the one who chose to grow my own values.
i can't expect them to be the same.

~
Music to my ears: Slint